Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we gorge on gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, there's a ton of Kardashian "news": Scott "American Psycho" Disick may not be the father of Kourtney Kardashian's son; Rob Kardashian's been boozing and seeing hookers; Khloe Kardashian touched her belly so she must be pregnant. But even more important is the insane "Eating Disorder Confesions" cover story in Star.

"Khloe's Pregnancy Shocker"
Khloe Kardashian was caught with her hand hovering over her midsection and a "I-know-something-you-don't-know gleam in her eye," so natch the entire world thinks that she's pregnant — or has gas. Though Khloe has yet to deny or confirm a pregnancy as the source of her "telltale glow," insiders suggest that a baby will be just the thing she and her husband Lamar Odom need to save their allegedly crumbling marriage. Because, you know, crying, pooping, vomiting tiny humans always make strained relationships better. What's even more ridiculous is the fact that the mag suggests that Khloe's hug-buddy The Game might be the phantom baby's father. The Game denies nuzzling genitals with Khloe, saying that Lamar is his "homie" and he would never do anything like throw a baby in his homie's wife. WTF? Backing away from this mess. Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, pregnant Kate Middleton is gearing up to become the first royal to have a baby shower and we're all invited… to read about what the mag imagines it would be like. As it turns out, it's no big whoop. There'll be cake, finger foods and perhaps a tipsy Prince Harry. Snooze. Moving on: Miley and Liam's relationship "is complicated", Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke finally realized that Seth MacFarlane is a boob and the two have split, and Katy Perry has allegedly been asking Russell Brand for relationship feedback following her split from John "The Player" Mayer. And lastly, Teen Mom's Maci Bookout wants to become a country singer — even though she doesn't know how to sing, play an instrument or write a song. Yeah, good luck with that.
Grade: F (empty plate)

Life & Style
"Over Already"
Sean Lowe and his new fiancé Catherine Guidici aren't joined at the hip and this apparently spells doooom. Sean is busy shaking his bom-bom all over DWTS, leaving his poor fiancé to go for solo runs and run errands by herself. Oh, the horror! How will they make it work? And more importantly, who even cares? Moving on: Kate Middleton has been betrayed by her "Uncle G" who recently gave an exclusive interview to the UK's Hello, revealing such salacious tidbits as "Kate was very low, spending a huge amount of time on the phone, walking around the pool," and suggesting that while Pippa is naturally talented in all things that she does, Kate has to work at it. Stupid. Milking the sibling rivalry angle, the mag goes on to exclaim, "Look who's the hot sister now!" in a story about how now that Khloe Kardashian has lost 20 pounds, she's become hottest Kardashian of the moment. Kongrats? As Khloe practices her Miss Kardashian wave, Kim has joined the "Hollywood Baby Bump Brigade" and her body is once again being compared to Kate Middleton's. One person who can relate to Kim is Jessica Simpson, who endured tremendous ridicule for her expanding figure as she grew a baby in her womb last year. This year, however, the mag pays Jessica a backhanded compliment, congratulating her for not getting as big during her second pregnancyg (Fig 1). Last but not least, a requisite Jennifer Aniston update: She's making her friends call her "Mrs. Theroux." That's it. The end.
Grade: D- (fish bones)

In Touch
"Scott's Not Mason's Father"
Model/rapper/screenwriter/actor Michael Girgenti thinks he left something in Kourtney Kardashian's uterus when they had sex a few years ago — a baby. Michael claims that he and Kourney exchanged numbers, as well as bodily fluids, when she and Scott Disick were on a break, which happened to be, oh, about nine months before Mason Dash Disick joined the KUWK kast. Michael spends 93% of the article describing his alleged hook up with Kourtney, and then finishes quickly with "I would definitely want to acknowledge Mason if he's my kid. He deserves to know his real father." To top it all off, non-Kardashians weigh in on the drama, with Kourt's attorney denying that his client and Michel ever collaborated on anything other than a photoshoot and a random plastic surgeon pointing out that Mason resembles Michael because they both have similarly spaced eyes (Fig. 2). Meanwhile, Kourt's sister Kim endured a 9-hour deposition regarding the demise of her ill-fated 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries and Kanye wasn't there to support her. A waambulance was called. She's going to be okay. And because this is the most Kardashiantastic issue ever, Kris Jenner is allegedly encouraging Rob Kardashian to gain weight so that they can launch a weight-loss campaign for him. "She told him the bigger he got, the more money they could make." Because priorities. The rest of the issue is dedicated to finding out what brands of clothing celebs like to put on their bodies and what brand of face goop they use.
Grade: D- (shrimp shells)

"In Love With A Sex Addict"
Skiier Lindsey Vonn is "happier than she's ever been" now that she is with golfer Tiger Woods. According to the mag, they have a lot in common: "Both started their sports as toddlers, were pushed to excel by demanding fathers and have lived out their adult lives in bubbles created by their global success." Vonn previously dated Kris Humphries but is now serious about Tiger, who "confessed everything in his past to her." Yeesh. Anyway, she's met his kids and so on, it's real, let's move on. Also inside: Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are fine and ignoring the rumors of their marriage's demise. Hayden Panettiere is planning her wedding to boxer Wladimir Klitschko but is not wearing her engagement ring in public yet. Sofia Vergara is using a surrogate to have a kid because she wants a baby by her fiancé but "her shape and body are worth too much right now to take her off the market." Olivier Sarkozy wants to marry Mary-Kate Olsen but "she's making him wait." Matt Lauer will probably be gone from the Today Show by the end of the year. There's a two-page story about why Adrienne Maloof quit her Housewives show, but zzzzzz. Finally, in "Justin Timberlake's Hair Evolution" we see his past curly looks as well as the new blowout, but can you pinpoint when he had a nose job? (Fig. 3)
Grade: C- (stale matzo crumbs)

"Eating Disorder Confessions"
As you can imagine, this cover story is a HOT MESS. Part of it is all about critiquing women's bodies — from "bony backs" and "bony arms" to "bony chests." But the main copy consists of recycled quotes, pulled from vintage interviews and memoirs, in which stars like Victoria Beckham and Portia de Rossi mention the eating disorders they had years ago. If you're just skimming, you'll see an unflattering photo of Beckham with the words "LIQUID MEALS" and believe that she is currently not eating solids. Only a closer look reveals the liquid diet refers to the early days of the Spice Girls. Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan, Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato and Bethenny Frankel are some of the ladies whose "eating disorder struggles and successes" are detailed here; there are also sidebars about stars who are "winning the war on their disease." Despite those neutral or almost positive blips, there are still phrases like "SHE BARELY EATS" and "SHE'S STILL BULIMIC" (Fig. 4) slapped on photos, in addition to the aforementioned catalogue of bony body parts. In an ironic twist, the story ends with a box titled "Where To Go For Help," urging readers to contact the National Eating Disorder Association (Fig. 5, arrow ours). Yes, the magazine that consistently prints "worst beach bodies" stories — and recently attempted to shame a pregnant woman for gaining weight — is just trying to help you poor unfortunate fatties out there. What. The. Fuck. It's been proven that magazines can lower a woman's self-esteem, and shilling body-shaming garbage to us — and then turning around and offering assistance — is a pretty epic sham. Sigh. Also in this issue: Amanda Bynes's family is going to stage an intervention. Some dude named Gleb on DWTS has a secret wife. Chris Martin is pretty uncomfortable with wife Gwyneth Paltrow oversharing about her miscarriage. Lindsey Vonn is two-timing Tiger with Kris Humphries (no evidence to support this is in the story, however). John Mayer dumped Katy Perry because she gained a little weight. NBC is "dying" to get Ann Curry back, according to an insider. Lindsay Lohan is a homewrecker, says a woman named Aesha Waks. Aesha says LL stole her fiancé! The dude in question, Liam McMullan (son of photographer Patrick), formed a deep spiritual relationship with LL and they got matching tattoos. It's worth noting that Aesha claims she and Liam were engaged for five years; she is 35 and he is 25 so they got engaged when he was 20. Finally: Rob Kardashian is a "complete mess" with a drinking problem and has been hooking up with paid escorts. The magazine obtained a text message exchange between Rob and an unnamed call girl, which reveals that both of them are gross. (Fig. 6)
Grade: D- (celery strings)


Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, arrow ours, from Star

Fig. 6, from Star