"Ah, the age-old question," intones Gillete's Winklevoss-esque razor pitchman as he strolls up to none other than KATE UPTON!!! at a poolside cocktail party that threatens, at any moment, to turn into a Roman orgy. Well, what is it that women want, Gillette? What do Kate Upton, Hannah Simone, and Genesis Rodriguez look for in a male companion? Hairlessness. Utter and total deforestation, like what that evil lumber company does to the rainforest in Ferngully. Really, women want men to look as much like seals as possible. You know what that means, guys — buy all the razors and don't stop shaving until you can successfully evade a killer whale in the ocean.