Dear Justin Timberlake,
First of all, let me take a second to offer up a belated congratulations on your somewhat recent marriage. I was sad not to get an invite to the wedding, but I understand — you have lots of friends, you couldn't invite everyone and we've never met before. I forgive you — we're cool — but I wanted to mention it straight off the bat because I don't like being passive aggressive about things and I bet you feel the same way because we probably have a whole bunch of stuff in common. Anyway, now it's been addressed and we can move forward with what's bound to be an extremely successful friendship.
It's been great seeing you around so much these days. Your stint on Fallon? Hilarious. Your "Mirrors" video? Tears were rolling off my goddamn face. It's been a long wait for this album and I — we — really appreciate all of the thought and hard work that you put into. Still, there is this one thing; this one teensy-weensy problem. The hair. What is happening with your hair? Why is it so straight? Why are you turning your back on your fellow curly-haired human beings?
Look, dude. I get it. Having curly hair can be a real fucking pain. You can't brush it out without it looking crazy puffy, sometimes one side curls more heavily than the other and other times one asshole curl will go in a different direction than all of the other curls. And that's not even when it's humid outside. It's a struggle and there are few among us who haven't thought once or twice about getting a Brazilian blowout or keratin treatment. How could we not? We're only human, after all — even those of us who used to be in *N Sync.
That said, we needed you. We needed your support; we needed your crunchy ramen head in the public eye. We still need you.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that you're looking bad or anything. Quite the opposite, really — you look very handsome in all of your recent appearances, what with your sleek, straight and smoothed back hair and all (even if it is a liiiiiittle Will Schuester, but we can get past that), but it still hurts to see you looking so mainstream. Imagine what the little curly-haired girls of middle America think, JT?! Who do they have to look up to now? Brody fucking Jenner?
How did you do it anyway? A Japanese straightening treatment? Flat iron? Good old fashioned lye? I've seen Malcolm X and I know how it burns. Did you put your head in the toilet? Stop putting your head in the toilet, Justin.
To conclude, you keep doing you. No one can force you to be a role model so if you want to have straight hair for awhile, keep having straight hair. But always always always remember that your place at our meetups — snuggled safely between Little Orphan Annie and Richard Simmons — will be there for you no matter what.