Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we head to the newsstands, hoping for piping hot gossip. Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we test the waters of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week: Miranda Lambert had an over-the-phone showcase showdown with the younger woman Blake Shelton's been flirting with; Kim Kardashian fakes scenes — and tears — for her TV show; and Will and Kate's nickname for the Royal Fetus has been revealed. Let's jump in.

"Finally Married!"
Justin Theroux is finally saving poor millionaire actress Jennifer Aniston from old cronedom by putting a ring on it during a barefoot ceremony in Hawaii — except that the wedding hasn't been confirmed. The duo allegedly already said "Yeah, whatever, let's do this" during a commitment ceremony held at their home in December, but "Holywood's most famous spurned wife and Justin, her edgy, artsy actor/screenwriter fiancé, are set to wed for real…before a small gathering of family and close friends." Also, Jen wants to take his last name (Mrs. Edgey-Artsy?) and isn't going to ask for a pre-nup. And because no J'Anthrax story is complete without pregnancy rumors: Jen and Justin are allegedly expecting twins. Next: Prince Harry is throwing a reception in NYC in his honor and has a list of celebs he wants to invite to come and bow at his feet. Topping the list is Harry's biggest crush: J-Law. No word on whether or not he'll try to lure her there with the promise of McDonalds' fries and extra ketchup. Mary-Kate Olsen is wearing a ring on THAT FINGER and we're supposed to care. And finally, 14-year-old Jaden Smith took 15-year-old Kylie Jenner out on a date and Will Smith chaperoned, because awww.
Grade: F (drizzle of diseased saliva)

Life & Style
"Showdown With the Younger Woman"
Life and Style and In Touch share a staff — and have similar articles. This cover story is literally the only story not shared with In Touch! So, very quickly, here's the scoop: Miranda Lambert had a telephone showdown with 23-year-old country singer Cady Groves over Miranda's husband, Blake Shelton. As discussed weeks ago, Miranda's pissed about flirtatious tweets sent between Cady and Blake — for the entire world to see — and has taken matters into her own hands. In addition to Miranda's fool-proof-keep-a-doof rules, she's been calling and texting the alleged other woman incessantly. The result: The two had a blowout argument over the phone and then… became friends. Womp-womp. Move on, nothing to see here.
Grade: D- (high-pressure ice cold shower)

In Touch
"Khloe Rejected By Her Real Father"
Mom of the year Kris Jenner is accused of paying her hairdresser, Alex Roldan, to keep his mouth shut about being Khloe Kardashian's biological father. Complete with pics pointing out the uncanny physical similarities between Khloe and Alex (Fig. 1) and family photos literally pointing to Khloe as the "odd one out" for being taller than her older sisters and having naturally lighter hair, the story claims that Kris made Alex sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement that could cost him up to $30 million if he talks. However, Kris forgot to shove money into her daughter Kylie's mouth — Kylie tweeted a pic of Khloe with Alex, captioned, "First official picture of my sister and her dad! Like father like daughter!" Oh, no she didn't. All of this comes on the heels of Khloe's alleged imploding marriage and her ongoing struggle with fertility. Meanwhile, Khloe's sister Kim is in for her own world of trouble. Kim's estranged husband, Kris Humphries, has new ammo in his ongoing divorce case against Kimmy — in the form of a 165-page deposition from a KWTK producer, Russell Jay. The deposition reveals that Kris's proposal was reshot at Kim's request and that several aired scenes were shot out of sequence, including the scene in which Kim reveals to her mother that she's unhappy in her marriage-which was filmed after she filed for divorce. (Fig. 2) Kris thinks the deposition makes his case against pregnant Kim a slam dunk. Let's move on from the Kardashians, shall we? Your bestie Jennifer Lawrence once hocked a loogie into a stack of invites because they were given to her to hand out even though she wasn't invited to the party herself. The Bachelor's Sean Lowe and his new fiancé Catherine Giudici are not going to make it because his family hates her and she doesn't want him to put any babies in her. Also, Sofia Vergara's fiance Nick Loeb threw a tantrum and demanded that she give him a baby. The baby is in the mail — or a surrogate, or whatever — and is due later this year. And finally, Kerry Washington wants to be the First Lady. Because she has bangs, wore a white dress and gestures with her hands just like Michelle Obama does — you know, by moving them and such. (Fig. 3) Dun, dun, dunnnnnn! Scandal-ous.
Grade: D (tongue-scalding hot tea)

"Tori's Lies Exposed!"
If you care, which you don't, Tori and Dean's marriage is over. Phrases like "Dean's bags are packed" and "Dean has completely checked out" and "He even has a secret bank account" and "He grabbed two bags of clothes and stormed out" and "Dean always keeps bags packed for exactly this kind of situation" pepper the story. Apparently Tori is in denial and they fight nonstop and Dean will walk out on Tori like he walked out on his first family — he was married to a woman named Mary Jo for 12 years when he left her for Tori. Sad. Let's move on! Vogue editor Anna Wintour has a dilemma: She loves Kanye West and hates Kim Kardashian. The Met ball is coming up, and in the past Kim hasn't been invited, but Kanye is performing this year. Uh-oh! Vogue might end up doing an at-home feature with Kanye, Kim and the baby. Next, Bradley Cooper's mom is a total vagblocker. She moved in after his father died and cooks, does his laundry and goes to red carpet events. Coop won't bring ladies home while mom's there, so relationship-wise, he's going nowhere fast. Girls feud! Lena thinks Zosia is a total Debbie Downer; Zosia thinks success has gone to Lena's head and that she's ditched her pals for that rock and roll boyfriend. Breaking: Brad Pitt wears Spanx for men, to control his belly. Not Breaking: AJ McLean's nails. Mad topcoat, son. (Fig. 4) Miley Cyrus is "acting erratically" and "smoking a ton of weed" which sounds fairly normal for someone who is 20 years old? Russell Simmons and Amber Heard went on a date and he was way more into it than she was. Jesse James is getting married again — to race car driver Alexis DeJoria, daughter of billionaire John Paul DeJoria, cofounder of Paul Mitchell hair care/Patrón spirits/House of Blues — and he invited Sandra Bullock. (Sandy is RSVPing "fuck you.") Kim Richards is off the wagon. Nicole Richie is "wasting away again" and "seems to be hovering around 92 lbs." according to a "body and health expert" who hasn't met her. Lastly, Sean The Bachelor picked the wrong lady… according to his parents.
Grade: D (cold, dirty bathwater)

"Secrets of the Royal Baby!"
Sometimes these things promise secrets, and you don't actually get any secrets. But this story delivers a few newsy nuggets: The pregnant Duchess of Shinylocks has "sugar on the brain" now that she is feeling better, and is eating chocolates, cookies and cake. Kate and William saw the fetus' size on a growth chart and now call it "our little grape." And rumor has it that yes, Grape is a girl, who could be named Elizabeth Diana Carole, in tribute to the queen, Will's mom and Kate's mom. Kate has been reading as much as possible about pregnancy, a yoga instructor visits her at the palace, and she takes a long walk five days a week, just to get her heart rate up. Will is away a lot, but Prince Harry has been a doll, telling Kate she can always call him, day or night. Also, the words "Princess Grape" appear in this story. Moving on! Nicki Minaj has a Louis Vuitton wallet, but she doesn't use it: "I have [cash] thrown around in my bag — just a whole bunch of hundreds, maybe $5,000." Stars! Just like us. When Kelly Osbourne had a seizure while shooting Fashion Police, cameras were rolling and caught the whole thing, but a source says E! erased all copies except one, in case her doctors need it. Over at The View, while Barbara Walters said "we have no plans for Elisabeth to leave," Ms. Hasselbeck wants to quit the show and will do so in time. In an exclusive interview, Wynonna Judd and her husband Cactus Moser describe his horrifying motorcycle crash, after which "fragments of his severed left leg were scattered across the road." Wynonna adds: "I heard him screaming in pain. I didn't think he would make it. They had him ripped open and I kept thinking, his leg is still on the highway!" Christ. Last, but not least, Breaking Jolie-Pitt news: Maddox and Pax have awesome haircuts. (Fig. 5)
Grade: B+ (warm, soothing amniotic fluid)


Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, from Us