Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we listen to the annoying songs of those little birds of gossip: In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style and Star. This week, Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as the mags report: Tori and Dean screamed at each other in an Urban Outfitters; Rihanna has an engagement ring from Chris Brown; and Blake Shelton has been sending flirty texts and tweets, which mag editors count as cheating.

"Why I'm In Love With Two Women"
In an exclusive "tell all" interview, Bachelor Sean Lowe says he loves cheesecake, the stairclimber and women: "I've dated everybody: Hispanic girls, white girls, black girls and Persian girls." Yes, that's just about everybody, isn't it? The one thing not revealed: Who he ultimately proposes to. Tell all, schmell all. In other reality television news: Brandi Glanville wants a pay bump from $18,000 a season to $250k, because she works hard — you know, allowing her everyday life to be filmed. Also, Kim Kardashian is kwitting reality television… In, like, two years. Kimmy's baby daddy Kanye thinks that Kim is too good for the TV hand that feeds her, and is on a kwest to make Kimye the new Jay and Bey. Good luck with that one, Yeezy. Also making moves: RiRi is adding a makeup line to her repertoire and will introduce the line's first product, a lipstick branded RiRi Woo, during her Diamond world tour. Love the idea, hate the name. And finally, Prince Harry is smitten with a yet another blonde, this one recycled from a summer fling he had before his infamous Vegas-Spotted-Dick-trip. The red-headed royal rascal is reportedly so taken with the young lass, Cressida Bonas, that he's taken her to Switzerland to slide down some snow-covered mountains together.
Grade: F (bluejay screech)

In Touch
"Tricked By Their Lies"
Omigod, you guys, the women on The Bachelor are not REALLY looking for love — they're looking for fame. Gasp. Both ladies have taken professional photos and have career aspirations outside of becoming a wife, so it's totally obvious that they couldn't possibly be in love with boring ol' "I'm saving myself for marriage" Bachelor Sean Lowe. We're saving our attention for a better story, so let's move on. Even Kim Kardashian wants to bone Kim Kardashian. She recently admitted, "If I was a man, I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like." Ew! Meanwhile, her father's long lost diary entries are being resurrected, yet again, this time to prove that Kris Jenner has always been what Khloe lovingly refers to as a "drunkie." Out of context entries indicating that someone was "drunk" and "slept on the floor", paired with her children's complaints about her drinking during the taped Kardashian-Jenner family vacation to the Dominican Republic are used to construct a wobbly story about alcohol abuse. Stupid. Carmen Electra turned 40 and didn't shrivel up or die, and is thusly rewarded with a photo spread in which she wears her Baywatch one-piece. Lastly, Justin Jedlica-nicknamed the "real-life Ken doll"- may have had 113 cosmetic procedures, but he keeps it real. Of his recent meeting with famed "living doll" Valeria Lukyanova, Jedlica says, "She's just not on the same level as me… She's a pretty girl, but without the makeup, the huge contacts and the photoshopping, she just looks like a regular plain Jane. She hasn't invested the same time and money that I have." (Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (nuthatch chuckle)

Life & Style
"Blake Cheated On Miranda"
Good ol' cheating. It's what good country music and bad tabloid stories are made of. The story doesn't exactly claim that cheated happened, just that poor Miranda Lambert is scared that Blake Shelton's flirtatious tweets will lead him to cheat. She's taken to following him around while he's on tour and implementing her three fool-proof "rules for making their marriage work: Face time every two weeks, she can check his texts, and she gets to chaperone him on The Voice." Healthy. Meanwhile, Kim K thinks that her unborn baby is "bad for business" and is desperately working round the clock to collect as many paychecks as she can before she "gets super pregnant" — which everyone knows is a more potent sort of pregnancy, capable of demolishing even the most successful sex-tape created careers. In more pregnancy and baby news: Perpetually pregnant Jessica Simpson wants to name her unborn son Ace or Acey, after her maternal grandfather, which is great because now her children can grow up to have their own cop show-Ace and Maxy: Gumshoes. Both Fergie and Jamie-Lynn Sigler are dropping major dough on designer duds for their unborn babies, because priorities. And Channing Tatum's TatumTot will crunk its way out of Jenna Dewan's womb in the UK, where Channing is filming his next flick.
Grade: D (hawk scream)

"Torn Between Two Women"
Sean Lowe, "The" Bachelor, wasn't sure which lady he wanted to marry right up until the very last minute — "Even on the morning of the proposal, he was still thinking about what to do," a show source spills. Apparently he used the L word on both Lindsay and Catherine, and then got lost in his head overanalyzing things — although he clearly was not worried about PROPOSING ON DEADLINE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. STFU and put your shirt back on. Next! There's some good Oscar party gossip in this issue: Daniel Radcliffe asked a DJ to play the Kinks or the Stones and was denied; Quvenzhané Wallis sayed out dancing until 12:30 am; Ben Affleck shaved off his beard in the hallway outside the bathroom at a restaurant where the Argo crew was having dinner. Also Stacy Keibler says George Clooney was playing basketball while she was having her hair and makeup done: "He walked by me sweaty and five minutes later, walked by again in a tux, all dapper!" The magic of The Cloons. What else? Bachelorette's Emily Maynard is sad she didn't get asked to do Dancing With the Stars. Unsolicited Uterus Update: Jennifer Love Hewitt is considering freezing her eggs. Prince Harry is in love with Cressida Bonas, who is like a real live Downton Abbey character: Her nickname is "Smally" and her mother is called Lady Mary! Last, but not least: The "Oscar Hall of Shame" should be called the Oscar Hall of Awesome Memories — at least where Cher and Bjork are concerned. (Fig. 2)
Grade: C (loon call)

"$300 Million Divorce!"
Tori Spelling has not filed for divorce. This is a "what if" situation. Tori and Dean got into a "full-blown screaming match" in an Urban Outfitters, and it's maybe possibly the beginning of the end. She suspects he is cheating, he's a sex addict with a porn obsession, he jokes that she has a horse face and also told her she's fat. Sigh. Right now she is worth about $15 million, but if her mom, Candy, dies, Tori could inherit half of the $600 million family fortune (her brother would get the other half). Then IF she got divorced there COULD be a $300 million divorce. Get it? Moving on. Taylor Armstrong is always drunk around her daughter, and could lose custody. Jennifer Lawrence wants more screen time in the X-Men sequel. Kelly Rowland "begged" Beyoncé to record some Destiny's Child tracks with her — and even asked Jay-Z to help — but Bey was like, my next project is getting knocked up again. Ouch. Five months after giving birth to baby Olive, Drew Barrymore might be pregnant again. Are Rihanna and Chris Brown engaged? She is wearing a diamond band on THAT finger. SPOILER ALERT: Bachelor Sean Lowe asked Catherine to marry him, but is actually hanging out with old flame Emily Maynard. "It's definitely cheating!" says someone who cares. Finally, 24-year-old Rumer Willis is pissed that her mom, 50-year-old Demi Moore, is dating 31-year-old Harry Morton — because Rumer had a fling with him in 2007. She feels like her mom took her sloppy seconds. A sampling of the words in this article: "all-time low" "embarrassment" "secret meetings" and, of course: "young enough to be her son."
Grade: C (goose honk)


Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Us