Oh, dudes' weens. We all know they exist, but don't you wish they'd be a little more proactive about showing themselves to you? Like, I shouldn't have to ask—you should just put it in my face forthwith. Luckily, THE GREEK SYSTEM IS HERE.
Oh, I'm kiiiiiiiiiidding. The Greek system is okay, I guess — I have too many lovely former Greek-system friends to launch a boring full-on rant against the entire nationwide structure, but I think we can all agree that it has some issues. Right? Just say "right" so we can move on.
Anyway, here's a thing: To publicize an "America"-themed party they threw last Friday, the University of Michigan's Pi Kappa Alpha frat took sexy cheesecake shots of all its members and circulated the photos around campus. Most of the pics involve the American flag in various configurations of dong-drapage; none of the dudes are quite nude, but you can get nearly all of the gist. The invitation, of course, zipped rapidly around the student body and beyond, provoking some students to linemouth at its "aggressiveness" and reminding me why I am so glad I'm not in fucking college anymore (because ZZZZZZZZZ). :-|
For their part, the Pi Kappa Alphas, or "Pikes," responded that they were just looking to "create a buzz" and didn't really mean for everyone to see the photos, even though that is the literal opposite of the phrase "creating a buzz." So. Here's the full text of the invitation:
Subject: Cute Puppies, Organic Gourmet, High Fashion, and How to Make Him Eat Your Box (aka URGENT!!!!)
Do you love your homeland? We at Pike sure do. We read Whitman's poems by our fireplace and pour maple syrup on our apple pie. We hold Alexander Hamilton's belief that keg stands are not "a feat, but an expectation." We recognize His benevolence in bestowing upon us His great and Holy game of Football, and one of our sophomores drives a pick-up truck. We exercise our 4th amendment right to drink beer through any orifice we want. We paddle pledges because it's a comprehensive upper body workout. We invoke imagery of James Madison to describe particularly attractive females. And because the effort to throw our parties is entirely our own, we see to it that the grand majority of our peers remain uninvited, and presumably underemployed with little to no health benefits.
What is America? America is a place where drinking until you puke means drinking until you win. America invented the blunt. And LSD. America is disregarding next week's midterms because Kamchatka doesn't drink itself. America does not let the bartender cut her off. America. America is the love child of 2 Chainz, Kate Upton, and Tim Tebow. America is the Doritos Locos taco and Mountain Dew Baja Blast. America is John Wayne and Ice Cube and Ronald Reagan and Andrew Carnegie. America. America is the Louisiana Purchase and defending The Alamo. America gave the world Hostess and then pioneered the capital management metrics which shut that shit down. America is losing legs in 'Nam and hazing terrorists in Abu Gharib. America invented the condom, and promptly outlawed it. America.
If the preceding two paragraphs didn't excite you at all, I suggest that you stay alert for a forthcoming drone attack, you terrorist whore. If, however, you count yourself a red-blooded, God-fearing American girl who has a specific spring-time gym routine to accommodate her summer-time jean shorts, come to Pike this Friday night around 10:00. (Be fashionably late. That's America.) Wear your most patriotic threads as we celebrate this great country together.
Need some outfit ideas? A few of us created an inspirational piece with some possible suggestions. Trim fingernails before viewing.
Redistribution prohibited without expressed written consent of WangTown Photography, LLC. (Copyright 2013)
Through the night with a light from above,
Short version: College students trying to be funny. You're a whore. No fatties.
Obviously this is not a big deal, in the scheme of things, but I think it's worth reiterating to the young men of America that not everybody is interested in your penis. I know you were just joking around this time, but...sometimes some of you forget. Consider this a friendly PSA. Hope the party was tight and you totally barfed and made out with Hannah F. or whatever and paddled many frosh butts. You know, higher learning.