'Sup, sheeple! While you've all been binging on red herrings like "Maybe we should provide brain care for humans?" and "Maybe we shouldn't sell portable child-exterminators at Walmart?" the REAL Americans have been getting down to business. Lucky for our children's futures, the Mike Huckabee/Victoria Jackson Brain Trust has figured out exactly what led to the tragedy at Sandy Hook—and it has nothing to do with guns or mental health. The answer, of course, is ladies' demonic insistence on making their own reproductive decisions instead of letting God Mike Huckabee do it for them. OBV.

Here's Chucklebee:

Christian-owned businesses are told to surrender their values under the edict of government orders to provide tax-funded abortion pills. We carefully and intentionally stop saying things are sinful and we call them disorders. Sometimes, we even say they're normal. And to get to where we have to abandon bed rock moral truths, then we ask "well, where was God?" And I respond that, as I see it, we've escorted him out of our culture and marched him off the public square and then we express our surprise that a culture without him reflects what it's become.

And here's Jackson:

"My friend Jim Riley posted: 'Wasn't the Connecticut killer just doing what abortionists do every day?' It's a wonder we don't have more 20 year old "dads" doing what women and doctors have been an accomplice to for years in America," the comic wrote on her Facebook page Friday. "When you forget the TEN COMMANDMENTS, people, THIS is what you get."

"Obama dramatically wiped a tear as he said, "The majority of those who died today were children — beautiful little kids ... They had their entire lives ahead of them — birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own...," Jackson continued. "YEAH OBAMA. SAME AS THE MILLION BABIES YOU HAD ABORTED THIS YEAR. ARE YOU CRYING FOR THEM?!"

Oh, for fuck's sake. They're like the Abbott and Costello of right-wing fringe nutjobs. They could literally be shouting random words at this point and it would be more politically salient than this garbage.

Huckabee:"The real cause of the massacre is.......apples!!!"
Jackson: "No, bananas!"
Jackson: "Bananas isn't in the constitution—Bananas is on first!"
Huckabee: "No, Who's on first!"
Huckabee: [Fart noise.]

Great work, you guys. Because clearly if God's top priority here is to stop abortion because he is so fervently anti-death, it makes the most sense for him to compel some dude to cause the deaths of a bunch of innocent schoolchildren—rather than, I don't know, compelling abortion doctors to quit their jobs, or compelling "tax-funded abortion pill" factories to burn themselves down. Or how about compelling the government to fund fucking birth control and scientifically sound sex education? Or how about prioritizing actual living children over senseless bundles of unborn matter? Congrats. Your "God" is either an idiot or a sociopath. And you two are definitely both.