Fox News Publishes Shocking Exposé on the War on Men

In a piece ripped straight from The Onion, hilarious satirist Suzanne Venker — a right-wing nut job who loves to defend the never-ending national nightmare that is Michele Bachmann — says that straight people aren’t getting married anymore because women just aren’t women. Meaning that women are abandoning their rightful spots in the kitchen to become emasculating titans of business. Or, you know, to pay rent.

Here’s a quick recap of the reasons Suzanne Venker blames women for a decline in American heterosexual marriages:

1.”Women aren’t women anymore.”

2. “In a nutshell, women are angry.”

3. “After decades of browbeating the American male, men are tired. Tired of being told there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Tired of being told that if women aren’t happy, it’s men’s fault.”

4. “The so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off.”

5. “Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families — it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.”

6. “Feminism serves men very well: They can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.”

7. “If men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation.”

The trolling. Oh, the trolling.

Ignoring all of the bullshit about “surrendering to their nature and femininity” — as if women somehow were immune to the gratification a career provides — the rise of women in the workplace is in response to direct and indirect oppression for hundreds of years. Further, the piece entirely ignores that working is often an economic reality for everyone — even if some ladies might prefer to stay home and rear children, it’s just not possible for many.

Also, it’s always lovely to see a “no women-in-the-workplace!” article from a woman who opens by praising her own workplace experiences. I wonder how emasculated her work makes her man feel? Shouldn’t she be on all fours in the bathroom so her man can fuck her from behind while she’s scrubbing the toilet and sous-viding a pot roast? Thank goodness she found the time to write this drivel between dusting knick-knacks and perfecting her fellatio skills — you know, the truly important lady business.