Judging Complex Magazine's List of Awkward Shit Women Do After Sex

Ever the philanthropist, the young men’s lifestyle mag Complex is determined to put an end to post-coital awkwardness on both sides. Um, thanks, Complex! Last month they called guys out on the top 10 cringe-worthy things they do after sackin’ a lady, and now they’ve come back with 20—20!—theoretically ick-inducing things that women do after sex. Let’s take a look, shall we?

1. Check Instagram (“to see what Nylon just posted!!”).
I don’t know. I mostly just Google sandwiches after.

2. Ask if you have a girlfriend (“She should have asked before we took our clothes off!”)
The first statement is true, but the second? Maybe you just have a really weird-looking dick.

3. Run out for Plan B even though you used protection.
Whoa, OK. Well.

4. Purposely tried to leave something behind.
You ever hear the one where a girl really liked a guy and just to make sure he called her she left a wallaby at his house, and then he didn’t call her so she had to call him and be like, “I want my wallaby back,” and he was like, “It died?” No? Maybe that is because I made it up. Seriously though, who does this?

5. Ask for food.

Right, because God forbid that your vigorous copulation would make her want for SUSTENANCE. Get off your ass and make a bitch some Ramen.

6. Start crying.

Woof. OK, this one isn’t great.

7. Ask “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Context! If it’s was just some rando bar sex, then yeah. But if it’s a girl you’ve been with for awhile, why can’t she ask? I mean, it goes without saying that not all girls want the dudes they fuck to be their boyfriends, but if a girl DOES, she’s allowed to.

8. Ask for cab money.

I concur, wack.

9. Freak out about semen.

See above.

10. Compare you to her last sex partner.

I mean, not to his face.

11. Start making plans for the future.

My favorite part of this is the last sentence: “You shared a beautiful moment, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to take her apple picking now.” Apple picking? Is that what we do now? Say hi to my mom when you’re there.

12. Immediately say “I never do this.”
13. Ask “Will you respect me in the morning?”

You know what? Any restrictions on women “talking” after sex in general I am just going to write off. Say whatever. Hopefully you’re confident enough not to say stuff like this but if you aren’t, that’s OK too.

14. Take your clothes for the walk of shame.
Jesus. God. I didn’t know you liked your fucking smelly Fugazi t-shirt that much. But OK.

15. Hang out in the morning in the hopes of a brunch invite.
ALL BIDDIES WANT TO DO IS TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS, EAT EGGS.

16. Start masturbating.
Sigh.

17. Cut cuddling short so she can go pee.
It might be an old wives’ tale, but I’ve heard that peeing right after sex helps prevent UTIs. Also, she just had your penis in her, so, I don’t know, give her a break. She’ll be right back. Calm down.

18. Try to talk about the freaky thing you just did and what it meant.

“He put his balls in the crook of my elbow and sang ‘Calendar Girl’ by Neil Sedaka!! How do you guys feel about a spring wedding????”

19. Laugh.

Haha, oops.

20. Try to kiss you right after you’ve gone down on him.

WHAT.

Oh, it’s a trick; they’re admonishing guys for not kissing a girl who just went down on them. Who does that?