Missing Tips and Tricks From Pippa Middleton's Failing Party Planning Book

Pippa Middleton’s party planning book, Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends is bombing. Sales are so incredibly slow, it’s been reduced by fifty percent on Amazon, and the reviews have been, well, harsh. Simplistic tips such as “parties is as parties does HEE HAW” have earned critics complaints that the coffee table book is “basically advice for people who are at that stage after a serious brain injury where they know how to walk and talk again but can’t remember how to do normal, everyday things.” Poor Pippa!

The sad thing is, this is the book AFTER the ghostwriters got a hold of it. Here’s some excerpts* from Pippa’s first draft. Someone should probably stick a mirror underneath homegirl’s mouth and make sure she’s actually alive.

A ‘surprise’ party is when you have a party where the person does not know about the party. The secret is to make sure they do not know. Think very hard about what they do know, and then make the party one of the things they do not know. Sometimes you will need a napkin because this will make your nose bleed. Keep trying!
Remember, there’s not a right way or a wrong way to celebrate. If you want to throw a holiday party with cookies and cider, or a holiday party with tacos and witch burnings, it’s your choice! No matter what, just have fun with it.
The secret to a good barbecue is fire. The secret to fire is that it’s hot. The secret to hot is that it’s from the sun. The secret to the sun is that it’s sometimes in the sky but then sometimes not.
Water should go in glases because otherwise it’ll spread out across the table forever.
Let us take a moment to consider ice. It is water, but unlike water we do not need to put it in a glass. But then eventually it will become water, if left to its own devices. So you can see, there are many different sides to ice. Make ice the center of conversation at your next party.
Another thought on ice. If you’re looking for a fun ice breaker, just have two guests hold opposite sides of the same cube and pull. It never works and is sure to get everyone talking!
Parties are a gathering of people! People are the ones who talk to you, but are not televisions. You can tell the difference because people can move!
Hearts make perfect valentines because they’re pink and symmetrical and cute and represent the union of two people in love and you can write fun messages on them and they remind men of your vagina.
At Halloween, I recommend creating a spooky atmosphere by employing a few townsfolk to dress as witches for your game. Your party separates into male and female teams and then takes turns interrogating the witches to find out who killed the town whore, Figgy Pudding. Whichever team guesses the “Evil Witch” correctly is rewarded with 500 pounds British Sterling and rule over the village until the next harvest. When I was a child, we called this “Chinese Mumbletypeg.”
A turkey’s size makes it perfect for feeding larger gatherings. They are also ideal because they’re already dead and are a featherless species. Tell your kitchen simpleton (in America, “kitchen hayseed”) to go to the grocer’s meat section, as that is where turkey’s are grown.
Pine trees are great for Christmas because that is where Santa lives, like a bird. Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Cookoo! Merry Christmas!
My favorite game to play for a bonfire night party is conkers. Each player has a “conker” threaded onto a piece of knotted string, and pairs of players take it in turns to hit each others conker. Who ever is the last one standing is named the “Barley King” of the party, and awarded a “Barley Maiden.” The first player to have his conker is named the “Young Lord.” Then we all stand before “the Mother” underneath the full moon, and the “Barley King” blesses us all with fire, while the “Barley Maiden” and the “Young Lord” weep blackness onto the land. The important part is to have fun! But watch out for old Jack Stump!
If someone breaks a plate, do not stop the party and send everyone home. I know, it’s the natural inclination but you should know that there are more plates where that plate came from. Pro tip: you can usually find them at home goods stores, but sometimes at places like charity shops and on Amazon UK (in America, Amazon).
A final word on ice: It makes no sense, but do not leave it in the refrigerator.
Before every party begins, please remember that you are your ass. Your ass is you. They are one. They circle one another, like the sun chases the moon up and down up and down the stars scurrying overhead making no sense but you are still your ass. You are still your ass.

There you have it, the world’s first look at what could’ve happened without the 85 brave editors and 42 vigilant ghostwriters who worked on the book. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. No, literally, Pippa had a lot more to say about ice.