7 Easy Ways to Keep Your Man's Dick in His Pants

Hey, ladies. Do you have troubles with your man? When you’re out on a date, do you catch him peeking at other women? Does he have a bad case of what the poets call “Wandering Penis Syndrome”? Can he simply not keep it in his pants despite your very, very serious and earnest monogamous commitment? Well, first of all, it sounds like you have a really healthy relationship there that is totally worth saving at all cost. And secondly, don’t even worry about it! Science has figured out how to keep your man faithful, and all it takes are four simple words: “BREATHE INTO THIS RAG.”

A new study has uncovered some surprising effects of the hormone oxytocin (you know, that stupid orgasm chemical that gives you love feelings) on monogamous heterosexual men. When dosed with a nasal spray of oxytocin and then introduced to a sexy laday, the monogamous men were all, “Ugh, GAH-ROOOOOSSSS” and then pushed her into the garbage. Or something kind of.

A study published Tuesday in the Journal of Neuroscience has uncovered a surprising new property of oxytocin, finding that when men in monogamous relationships got a sniff of the stuff, they subsequently put a little extra space between themselves and an attractive woman they’d just met.

Oxytocin didn’t have the same effect on single heterosexual men, who comfortably parked themselves between 21 and 24 inches from the comely female stranger. The men who declared themselves in “stable, monogamous” relationships and got a dose of the hormone chose to stand, on average, about 6 1/2 inches farther away.

When researchers conducted the experiment with a placebo, they found no differences in the distance that attached and unattached men maintained from a woman they had just met.

What. Shut it. SHUT IT, SCIENCE. You’re saying there’s a way to administer a simple chemical supplement to a swollen testostoroni-Tony dongmonster and turn him into a meek, monogamous baby fawn? Well, you know what that means, grasping paranoid lamprey-wives! Just figure out how to get a hefty does of oxytocin into your man’s nostril and you’ll literally have the happiest problem-free relationship of all time for the rest of your life! It is a foolproof plan. Hakuna matata, bitchez!

But if, for some reason, he doesn’t want to breathe into this rag, here are some back-up tips for keeping your man’s dick in his pants.

7 Easy Ways to Keep Your Man’s Dick in His Pants

1. Seriously, just try the rag thing again. Tell him it’s some sort of ab-defining tincture and you read about it in Details. Tell him you heard that Joseph Gordon-Levitt rag-breathes, like, every day, bro.

2. Borg suit. Question. Do you have access to and/or are you the queen of any sort of intergalactic cybernetic hive-mind? Once he’s plugged in, it’s easy as pie to drip some romance-juice into his cortical node. Resistance is futile.

3. Create a smaller pair of pants just for his dick. Then create a larger pair of pants that engulfs your entire house. Then chain him to the radiator. Loophole! Even if he takes off his pants, he’s never getting out of THESE pants! And he won’t want to, since you secretly dosed his water dish with rag-drippings. You minx!

4. Cook a chicken.* Men love chicken. Afterwards, wipe his face off sexually with a “napkin.” (RAG.)

5. Tell him that there’s a dick sniper on the loose and it’s TARGETING DICKS. He could be next! Then comfort him with an extended hug. While your hands are caressing his back, stare deeply into his eyes while you inject some oxytocin directly into his cerebrospinal fluid. Jackpot! When this procedure was performed on rats, science found that they got an instant rat boner (boi-oi-oinngggg!!!) and then fell in love with the syringe. In this scenario you are the syringe.

6. Before you have sex, just line your vagina with flypaper and/or a Chinese finger trap. Good prank! Now that you’re permanently docked like a couple of horny coal cars, simply breathe really hard in his face until he loves you forever. (Background: Earlier you chewed up the rag and ate it, turning your gastrointestinal tract into a kind of oxytocin gas cannon.)

7. Try building a relationship based on mutual respect, admiration, personality, and various and sundry qualities other than base physical lust. That way, if you go through a dry spell, you might actually fucking like each other as human beings and won’t need to resort to chemical warfare and/or witchcraft. Just a thought. Or, you know, do the rag thing.