Team Rape Lost Big Last Night

Well, well, well, America. You're so much less awful than I thought. With horror stories of suppression and fuckery being whispered from Ohio to Florida, many nervous Obama voters braced for the worst yesterday, only to be rewarded with relief. More »

Twitter Racists React to 'That Nigger' Getting Reelected

In case you were hopeful that Obama winning a second term was some kind of indication that racism doesn't really exist anymore, check out Twitter. The amount of hate speech, referring to the president as a "nigger" and a "monkey," and calling for violence. More »

Lesbians, Immigrants, and Harvard Professors: Get to Know Your Trailblazing Lady Senators

The 113th US Congress will have 20 women senators, the highest ever in the country's history. Put that in your binder and smoke it! (Or you could say all of their terms synced up, JUST LIKE PERIODS.) More »

Fox News Anchor Hilariously Worries About Nation Getting 'Potted Up' After Marijuana Legalization

Now that Washington and Colorado have voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana, the pundits at Fox News are wondering what this means for our country. More »

Benedict Arnold in Hooker Boots or, Why I Didn't Vote

The campaigns run on enough bullshit already, and why add my own to the mix? So I didn't. More »

Excruciating Teen Billionaire Peter Brant II Says He Has a Plan to Kill Obama

Last night was a time of high emotional dudgeon. All that anxiety as we awaited the outcome of the U.S. presidential election, followed by the news that Obama had won a second term in office. More »

America's First Ever Hindu Congresswoman Will Take the Oath of Office Over the Bhagavad Gita

Last night, Hawaii not only elected Japan-born Mazie Hirono to be the first ever Asian-American woman elected to the Senate, they also elected Democrat Tulsi Gabbard as the first ever practicing Hindu to the US House of Representatives. More »

Barack Obama Expected to Get Real Old, Real Quick

Now that all that election nonsense has been settled, this week's issue of Bloomberg Businessweek "reports on the road ahead" for President Obama. It involves getting more gray. More »

Here Are Some Intelligent Mississippi College Students Rioting Because Obama Won

Remember yesterday when Fox News kept showing that one smiling beret wearing black guy holding doors for people at a polling station and shrieking that they were being INTIMIDATED AT THE POLLS? More »

Missed Opportunities: Craigslist Rife With Election Night Hook Ups

Did you look for someone to stuff your ballot on election night? You're not alone. During stressful times, many people relieve the anxiety with intimate relations. More »

Theory: Mitt Romney Brainwashed Himself

This video of Mitt Romney flipping out on a Des Moines radio host in 2007 has gone viral-ish. While Romney's insistence on a set of beliefs that many Americans (who believe in just as strange, albeit more popular things) would interpret as bizarre is unsettling. More »

How Are You Dealing With Your Election Hangover?

Happy day after the election, fellow patriots! Remember last night with all the carefree celebratory boozing and partying in the streets until all hours? More »

Scary Black Men and Twitter Polls: Fox News Slowly Loses Its Mind on Election Day

If you've been following Fox News' coverage of the election today then you're probably under the impression that this is a real nail-biter of a race that's so close that it could be days before it's called. More »

Oh, Thank God: Obama Wins a Second Term as President of the United States

Well, that's it. Obama just won Ohio, and therefore a second term as President of the United States. More »

Live: Election Night 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, it's here. Election night. Hopefully you voted. Hopefully your ballot is being counted. And hopefully, tonight, we'll knew who won the 2012 Presidential Election. More »

To the Booth and Back: Tell Us Your Voting Stories

We want to hear all about your voting experiences today: Was your polling site packed, with lines wrapping around the block? Did you have a hard time taking off of work? Did you receive your absentee ballot? More »