How Are You Dealing With Your Election Hangover?

Happy day after the election, fellow patriots! Remember last night with all the carefree celebratory boozing and partying in the streets until all hours? I bet your heads feel super clear, really great, and not at all like an evil tiny person is trying to claw her way out of your brain via your eyeballs. Yay, me too! I’m also very responsible when it comes to regrettable excess.

NOT!! I started work at 8pm last night — and didn’t crawl into bed until about 4am — so I deserved all the drinks. I had to stay buzzed-to-drunk all night on alcohol and cute pictures of baby animals or else who knows how I would’ve gotten through the evening? Prayer? Sacrifice? I don’t even want to think about what I’m capable of doing without the comforting layer of boozy gauze separating my fragile woman election brain from Fox News.

All I consumed last night was whiskey, wine, and Trader Joe’s brand Funyons, which my boyfriend lovingly shoveled in my mouth as I typed up election results. As a result of one, two, or three of those things, I cannot see in color today. And I’m pretty sure this screen is made of Pepsi Clear Jello ™. So wavy.

For you ~~suckers~~ employed people who had to be at work this morning [Ed: You mean, uh, everyone else at this website who works the day shift?], WTF? How are you even dealing? You are such a good adult, but you probably need some brain cloud-clearing tips, right? So, who out there has a special hangover cure from their Italian nonna that involves two cups of vinegar, salted quail eggs, and a jackhammer? I’m willing to try anything, let’s hear it!