Don’t Look Now, but the Bengals Cheerleader Who Had Sex with Her High School Student Is Probs Getting a Reality Show

America is quite the place, and though you may sometimes be tempted to dismiss it as a rapacious empire that has historically tried to cloak its yearning for expansion behind democratic good intentions, you really have to admire a place where sweatpants are a legitimate fashion choice, and where a disgraced, 27-year-old high school English teacher/former Bengals cheerleader can become a television star simply for making lurid headlines after sleeping with her 17-year-old student.

According to Radar, which has gleaned this story from a “well-place insider,” Sarah Jones is being handed her very own reality show with 495 Productions, the cracker-jack exploitation geniuses behind Jersey Shore. 495 will be taking full advantage of Jones’ probable inability to score another teaching gig, and the show will no doubt profile her relationship with her young beau, Cody York, whose life, whether he’s now a consenting adult or not, is teetering on the brink of reality-show oblivion. Think long on this one, Cody — there are no second acts in American lives. [Radar]

• Natina Reed, member of the R&B group Blaque, protege of TLC‘s Left Eye, and Bring It On actress, was killed Saturday night in Georgia after being struck by a car while she was walking along a street in her neighborhood. She’d apparently been working on a solo rap album and was on the cusp of turning 33. Sorry for the mid-morning bummer. [TMZ]
• British pop star Gary Glitter has been arrested in connection with the sex abuse scandal surrounding the late (and therefore un-arrestable) BBC children’s television host Jimmy Savile. [AP]
• The dastardly daguerreotypist responsible for capturing Kate Middleton‘s boobs on film has apparently been identified by French police, and they’ve dispatched their best man — Inspector Clouseau, because if ever there was an opportunity to reanimate Peter Sellers‘s corpse and make another (legitimate) Pink Panther movie, chasing down a paparazzo who took a picture of a British royal’s boobs seems perfect. [Mirror]
• Maybe your career isn’t quite panning out, hmm? Maybe you’re looking for EXCITEMENT and DANGER and maybe even some INTRIGUE, yes? Well, now’s your chance to experience the glamor and sordidness of Hollywood publicity by becoming Lindsay Lohan‘s publicist. The troubled actress fired former rep Steve Honig, whose other clients are Courtney Love and a Goldendoodle that peed on its family’s rug. [NYDN]
• Cissy Houston has stopped trying to keep Bobbi Kristina from reaping her inheritance too quickly. As things stand, by the time she turns 30, Bobbi Kristina will have inherited all $20 million of White Houston‘s estate. [TMZ]
• Actor (he had a character arc on Dallas and recurring roles in All My Children and Remington Steele) Jack Scalia was arrested at LAX after security screeners found a handgun in his bag. [AP]
• The Vatican, which spent the latter part of the 20th century making sure that none of its a American priests got in trouble for molesting children, has said that, while it really would like to revoke alleged sex predator Jimmy Savile‘s papal knighthood, it can’t rescind the honor because Savile is dead, and, anyway, what’s irony?? [AP]
• Usher now owns a puppy, which he bought at an auction for $12,000. Your dog is wondering if you’d ante up to purchase it at an auction, or if you’d let it go home with a creepy Swedish businessman. [People]
• Jessica Simpson is bummed out about her parents splitting up. [People]
• After suffering seizure-like symptoms on his private jet, Lil Wayne went to the hospital, was treated to a balloon-animal performance by the hospital clown, and tweeted that he is now “good.” So stop worrying and just forget about sending that get-well-soon card you had everyone in your office sign. [TMZ]
• A really dedicated fan in Seattle successfully persuaded Billy Idol to play at his (the fan’s, because Billy Idol doesn’t need persuading to play at his own birthday party) birthday party after two years of raising some money, moooooo-ney for charity. [CBS]
• There’s a Fifty Shades casting rumor afoot and running wild through the internets like a naked toddler greased up with Crisco and screaming, “P-51, Cadillac of the sky!” that Christian Bale might play Christian Grey, mostly because they share a first name and it’d be super convenient. [Gather]
• Madonna drew boos from an ornery New Orleans crowd after she urged it to collectively vote (and vote for Obama) because civic duty is, like, important or whatever. Little does Madonna realize that jury duty is not fun, and registering to vote is an excellent way to get tapped for jury duty. Moral of the story? Never vote, pay your taxes, or write your social security number on anything. Go off grid by moving to the Alaskan wilderness, where you can hunt bears and chop wood, whatever it takes to avoid jury duty. [AP]
• Notably mustachioed film critic Gene Shalit told officers in western Massachusetts that he crashed into a utility pole because he fell asleep at the wheel of the car, probably trying to watch a booooring movie. Like Funny People, which will soon be released with a new DVD blurb: “Gene Shalit says, ‘Zzzzzz.'” [AP]