The Candidates' Wives Regale American Voters With Stories of Chicken and Toiletries

Both Ann Romney and Michelle Obama are out in full force as Election Day looms, each woman working her hardest to convince our nation’s stupidest voters that if you vote for a candidate because you like his wife better than the other candidate’s wife, it’s your right as an American to never have to tell anyone what a moron you are. Michelle Obama told tales of escaping the White House while in disguise, and Ann Romney made meatloaf cakes with her hands and gave tips on how to buy pre-made rotisserie chicken from Costco. And the ghost of Betty Friedan was suddenly hit with a horrible migraine.

The First Lady appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to remind American voters that the First Family is damn adorable and that a vote for Obama is essentially a vote for more pictures of their fluffy dog Bo. During the late night lite discussion, Kimmel asked Mrs. Obama what she would do if she could be a “normal” again, and she responded that she’d go buy toiletries at a CVS and then sit on a bench looking at people. Which is sort of depressing until you get to the awesome part of the interview: sometimes Michelle Obama puts on disguises and roams the streets of the District. Just like Princess Jasmine. The First Lady also starred in a humorous Get Out The Vote skit where she woke Jimmy up with a bullhorn and chased him out of the house while urging him to eat carrots.

Future SNL hosting gig? Maybe not. But the FLOTUS definitely could swing a cameo.

Meanwhile, over on Rachel Ray’s televised nervous breakdown, a Very Special Romney guest starred alongside the perpetually hoarse everywoman yesterday. Ann Romney was a natural as she showed Ray how she makes her famous hand-shaped meat loaf cakes, at one point tossing aside utensils like some kind of Mediterranean, putting her hands directly in the ground animal flesh.

Mrs. Romney also took Rachel Ray’s shut-in viewers on a tour of her favorite food store, Costco, where she demonstrated how she feeds her giant extended family of 30 with under $140. Here’s some Romney wisdom on what stuff to buy when you hit the giant gray concrete aisles of the bulk store.

The great thing about frozen desserts, they’re always ready to go. Wholesale shops are big, you have to go with a game plan before you start. There are great deals on fresh produce… My other favorite thing, I have to say, is I never leave without raspberries and blueberries. And with frozen cream puffs, you can personalize them by adding chocolate sauce and ice-cream.

I prefer to personalize my frozen cream puffs with obscene messages written in blue Costco brand frosting, but different strokes, different folks. Or, uh, different puffs for different duffs.

The former First Lady of Massachusetts also had great things to say about rotisserie chicken.

When I was first diagnosed with MS and my husband was taking care of me, he discovered rotisserie chicken. Rotisserie chicken is every cook’s best friend. You want to buy it at the end of your shopping so it doesn’t heat up the food that’s in the rest of your basket.

Okay, I know that Ann Romney’s struggle with multiple sclerosis isn’t funny at all, but what is funny is the idea of Mittbott Romneytrousers lurching around Costco looking for food he can feed his wife that won’t require him to learn how to boil water. Also funny: Ann’s advice to buy hot chicken at the end of the shopping trip is tailor made for exactly the sort of person who I imagine watches Rachel Ray’s show on the regular. People who don’t know that hot chicken shouldn’t be placed directly over frozen cream puffs. They’re much more difficult to personalize that way.