Wait, When Did I Start Liking Eva Longoria?

I never disliked Eva Longoria, per se, but I never really liked her, either. I wasn’t indifferent, but I also didn’t quite know what to do with her. You know? She seemed like your typical pretty actress doing her pretty actress stuff with bouncy hair in shows I did not watch. I knew she was teeny and she married someone really tall and then they got divorced. I felt a little sad about that, I think. But beyond all that I never paid much attention. I can’t pay attention to everyone, you guys.

But then all of a sudden—who’s this? What? Eva Longoria is speechifying at the DNC, she’s stumping for the dems, she’s co-chair of Barack Obama’s re-election campaign for fuck’s sake? Where did this Eva Longoria come from and why has she been filed away in my “boring pretty people with bouncy hair” ambivalence drawer for so long, moldering in between Ashley Greene and Dianna Agron? Did you know she’s getting her Master’s from Cal State Northridge in Chicano Studies? Did you know that “the first of Longoria’s ancestors to arrive in the New World came from Spain in 1603”? Did you know that her heritage is 27% Mayan and genetic tests reveal that she is distantly related to Yo-Yo Ma? Did you know that she owns a “Victorian-themed nightclub” because Eva Longoria will NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY OXYMORONS?

Turns out, I totally like Eva Longoria. Who knew?

And anyway, as you probably know, my girl, Eva Longoria, is in some hot water this week for retweeting something “controversial” in a moment of unfiltered honesty:

I have no idea why any woman/minority can vote for Romney. You have to be stupid to vote for such a racist/misogynistic twat.

Cue nationwide hysterical shit-blizzard. A sampling of angry froth:

But…is that sentiment really so controversial? The co-chair of a candidate’s re-election campaign saying voters are “stupid” for supporting an opposing candidate who wants to deny them health care, quality education, and bodily autonomy, and impose a completely nonsensical fiscal plan fantasy that will do nothing but widen income disparity, starve social programs, and make his billionaire BFFs even richer? You think it’s smart to vote for that guy? And you’re not a billionaire? Please. Pointing that out is literally Eva Longoria’s job.

Liberal commentator/bowl of room-temperature tapioca pudding Alan Colmes is now calling for Longoria’s resignation from the Obama campaign, saying, “I think she should resign from the campaign or be asked to resign as co-chair because I don’t think it reflects well on the campaign.” And Longoria, for her part, has profusely apologized (following an embarrassing round of back-pedaling in which she claimed her Twitter account had gone rogue):

“I use Twitter as a platform for all Americans and their opinions. Sorry if people were offended by retweet. Obviously not my words or my personal view. I respect all Americans #FreedomOfSpeech,” Longoria tweeted. She later clarified further tweeting, “And for the record I have never personally called any conservative women stupid. I think u are all beautiful and strong and smart! I appreciate those conservative women who have sent me some great articles! I respect u, stay involved!”

First of all, no. All conservative women are not “beautiful and strong and smart.” Some of them are stupid, just like some liberal women are stupid. Let’s not get crazy here. And maybe Eva Longoria can’t say it, fine, but I can. I can’t speak to whether or not individual Romney supporters are stupid people, but voting for Romney/Ryan as a woman and/or as a minority is a STUPID DECISION. It is voting against your own interests—and it concerns Eva Longoria because it’s voting against her interests too. And mine. And, yes, that makes us not like you very much. Because make no mistake: those dudes do not give a FUCK about you or your life or your kids or your health or your job, beyond the extent to which your votes and tax dollars and complacence can benefit them. So, to that extent, yeah. I agree with the retweet.

I wouldn’t have said “twat,” though. But that’s just because I prefer “lying sack of shit.”