Public Masturbation, This Time With More Creepy Giggling (Allegedly)

Remember the good ol’ days when you could just attend to your urges on public transportation and nobody said boo to you? Crap, piss, saliva, semen, anything goes — those were the days. Except that they really weren’t, and it appears that we’re still in them. One of the latest reports of such a crime comes from San Francisco. According to SF Weekly, a 26-year-old woman accused a fellow passenger of slapping his salami whilst giggling like a maniac on a BART train en route to San Francisco. Why was he doing such a disgusting and bizarre thing? Well, because she refused to buy a cell phone from him, of course. I mean, allegedly.

On June 16, about 11:30 p.m., a 26-year-old woman was asleep on an empty San Francisco-bound BART train when she woke up to a man waving a phone at her from his seat across the aisle. The woman had headphones on at the time, so she couldn’t make out what he was saying, but thought he was trying to sell her a phone.

She told him to leave her alone. Several minutes later, she looked over and said she saw him slumped in his seat against the window, giggling and masturbating.

The woman immediately alerted BART police who cited the alleged giggling masturbator for indecent exposure. Impressive that anything even happened, considering these crimes are often just brushed off. However, it sounds like the equivalent of a brush-off, as the BART police failed to do any other police work on the scene, including not even talking to any of the ten other people in the car. Now, I’m no Mariska Hargitay, but that’s gotta be negligent, right?? And these aren’t just the regular police who are out on the streets, too, these are police that are specifically there to KEEP BART SAFE. Nice job, guys, really great work.

The whole thing went to trial, and because there was no proof other than he said/she said, he was found not guilty and probably went off to masturbate into the sunset. I’m not saying this man did or didn’t do this thing except that I personally think he did it (I can say that, I’m not a jury of his peers, I’m just a crazy lady on the internet) and even if he didn’t, shouldn’t we have a system in place to guarantee that stuff like this is properly investigated? Like, you know, BART POLICE.