In the Absence of Real News, This Week The Tabloids Just Made Shit Up
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we get our hands on the bibles of gossip: In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, the magazines are pretty light on actual “news,” so they just made some shit up: If Rob and Kristen get married, she might wear glittery sneakers. There’s a “game” called Lohanland, which is like Candyland, but with more hit-and-runs. And in a truly sad act of desperation, there’s a staged photo shoot starring an Angelina Jolie look-alike and a Jennifer Aniston clone, just so we know what it might look like if they actually met up for a glass of wine. Let the lies begin!
Ok!
“Teen Mom Shockers”
In this week’s issue you’ll pay for shocking and get nary a spark! Teen Mom Farrah Abraham has broken up with MTV because the network promised her a spin-off but was busy giving it to Maci and Caitlynn, and like a good ride or die friend, the mag reassures Farrah that at least she has a New York Times best-selling book, and those other bitches ain’t got nothing. Meanwhile, Amber is set to have her own MTV special, “Amber Behind Bars”, to premier October 9th. Teen Moms Leah Messer and Kailyn Lowry are happy in their respective relationships, and Jenelle Evans has broken up with her on-again-who-cares-again boyfriend, Keifer Delp. In the most shocking Teen Mom story, by default, there is a picture of Caitlynn smoking pot out of a bong, but her crackerjack manager has spun it as yet another “teachable moment” of Caitlynn’s life. Moving on! Kim Kardashian feels that Kanye West should have learned from her naked “teachable moment” and not have made a sex tape with an 18-year-old married woman. The mag suggests the only foolproof way to get back in Kim’s good graces is to throw her a million dollar birthday bash, complete with gaudy custom duds and pink diamonds. Yes, diamonds, the sex-tape antidote! KStew feels “somewhat” responsible for the demise of Rupert Sanders’ marriage and is texting him behind RPatz’s back, offering him moral support. But she doesn’t feel bad because she promised Rob that she wouldn’t SPEAK to Rupert anymore, but she never said anything about texting. And finally, a psychic predicts that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will play husband and wife to one another again, Kim and Kanye are in the world’s longest rebound relationship, Brad and Angie are faking it, and Jennifer Aniston will finally get her happily ever after with Justin Theroux.
Grade: F (who cares)
Life & Style
“Rob and Kristen’s Secret Wedding”
When there’s no news to report, why not make up stories, make shameless plugs and fat-shame celebrities in bulk? In this week’s issue, there are impressive imaginative leaps to conclusions after using Kristen’s post-cheating statement, in which she states, “I love him, I love him” as solid proof that she is committed to Rob and ready to wed him. Also, Kristen recently took in a fashion show in Paris, which is in a country that happens to sell wedding dresses. The mag even planned Robsten 2.0’s make-believe wedding, complete with purple flowers and bedazzled sneakers for the bride, but disappointingly no unicorns were involved in this fantasy! (Fig. 1) The valiant and brave Prince William has vowed to protect his princess, even if he has to hire other men to do it for him! The Duke of Delegating has hired bodyguards to protect his wife, Kate Middleton, because he fears that if a photographer is able to take a picture of them from afar, a sniper could just as easily shoot them dead. Good point? In what seems like a shameless plug for their Chicago-based Italian restaurant, Giuliana and Bill Rancic share that they make time for amore with 45 minute dinner dates at RPM. And lastly, because the editors hate us, they’re rubbing it in our faces that our boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, shared a delicious chocolate gelato-topped dessert with Eva Mendes… then we’re eased into a four-page spread featuring Kim Kardashian trying to lose love-weight, and Kourtney Kardashian, Hilary Duff and Jessica Simpson’s plans to lose their baby-weight. Ugh, pass the gelato, please.
Grade: D- (Pinocchio)
In Touch
“A Wedding & A Split”
Emily Maynard and Jef Holm are apparently dunzo after Jef went to speak to fans during an Event in Las Vegas and came back to an angry Emily who was throwing up gang signs — sorry, “making hand gestures” — obviously signaling that their relationship is off. Meanwhile, Bachelorette Ashley Herbert and her fiancé, J.P. Rosenbaum, have broken the Bachelor curse by keeping their romance low-key and living hum-drum lives in New Jersey. Oh, and agreeing to televise their wedding on ABC for between $700k and $1 million. In what is made out to be the biggest deal of all time, the mag reports that Kate Middleton caused a royal upset when she attended a state dinner in the Solomon Islands wearing the traditional garb of the Cook Islands. In an article titled “Anne Marries her Average Joe” the mag congratulates Anne Hatheway on marrying Jewelry designer Adam Shulman (Fig. 2), but then casts some shade on the pair, passive-aggressively indicating that marrying a jewelry designer and moving to Brooklyn is a downgrade from the lifestyle that she is accustomed to. Next, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then according to the mag the fact that half of the Kardashian Klan have refused to participate in their annual Christmas photo shoot points to the breakdown of this famous family. Next is something freaky: Photos of a Jennifer Aniston doppelganger and Angelina Jolie look-alike, having a friendly pow-wow for cameras in an “In Touch exclusive” — although the pix were also featured in sister publication Life & Style (Fig. 3). And, in a piece titled “Why won’t these stars dress their age?” the mag wishes that JLo would put a flowered muumuu on that forty-something-year-old body, Chloe Grace Moretz would slap on some pigtails and Katherine Heigel would stay out of Joan Rivers’ closet.
Grade: D (liar liar pants on fire)
Us
“Teresa’s Dirty Secrets!”
Brunette ladies have drama. This is basically a recap and a teaser for the reunion taping — part two of three airs on October 7. What do we learn? Teresa feels she was bullied during the reunion; Jacqueline found the reunion “exhuasting” and Rosie Pierri will join the other ladies on the couch. Oh, and Kathy says of Teresa: “She brings up my marriage to deflect from her own problems.” Zzzz. Also inside: Reese Witherspoon’s newborn son, Tennessee, is nicknamed “Tenney.” Bachelorette Emily is still faking the funk in her relationship with Jef with one F, and now her daughter “has been pulled into their web of deceit.” The most fun thing in this issue is the “Lohanland” board game (Fig. 4), in which you can move ahead one space by tweeting about Amanda Bynes and lose a turn after dropping charges against a dude you claim you were assaulted by. Last, but not least: Katy Perry gets her nails done a lot. Like, a lot a lot. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C+ (tattletale)
Star
“Eric Cheats On Jessica!”
It’s interesting that they use the present tense, “cheats” here, because the claim inside is slightly different. Eric Johnson was with his then-wife, Keri, when he met Jessica Simpson at a party in 2009. The marriage was already on the rocks. Wikipedia says they split in October of 2009; Eric filed for divorce in January 2010; and began dating Jessica in May 2010. But! According to this mag, Eric is a “two-timing cheat” who was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. An insider says Jessica found out about this in late September when a friend made a joke about Eric hooking up with his ex while dating Jessica. “After the friends left, Jessica asked Eric if it was true, and she blew up after he admitted to it.” Wait, if all the friends left, who is the source on this story? A sofa cushion? Anyway, Jessica took her baby and “stormed off” to her mother’s house, because that’s the only way angry celebrities can exit a dwelling. Moving on! Miley Cyrus was in Philadelphia where her fiancé Liam was shooting a movie with Harrison Ford, and she found the town boring. Han Solo suggested she visit the Betsy Ross house, to which Miley replied, “Who is Betsy Ross?” According to a source, “Harrison thought it was cute.” WTF. Anyway, Miley did go to the Liberty Bell. Next up is a correction! Remember that story in which creepy Nicolas Cage stalked costar Vanessa Hudgens? Well, just kidding! The editors apologize. Nothing creepy happened, certainly not a creepy letter from a creepy lawyer representing creepy Cage. (Fig. 6) In yet another Simpson story, Jessica is in a “weight war” with Jennifer Hudson, who thinks she is a “mess” and “lazy” and not taking her Weight Watchers contract seriously. In Kim Kardashian news, she only got a kitten for the attention and to make herself seem relatable and “doesn’t love Mercy at all.” Can you picture the pitch meeting: “How do I get women to like me?” “Well… ladies like cats? Like, are crazy about cats. Crazy cat ladies.” “Hmm, okay. Do they sell them at Nieman Marcus?” And scene. Kristen Stewart has a “rebound body” now. It’s just like a regular human body, except she’s stopped smoking and drinking and does Bikram yoga. Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are back on because she is “the only girl in Hollywood who shares his interests in politics and the economy.” The only one. In other couples news, Dancing With The Stars’s Karina Smirnoff is dating The Bachelorette’s Arie Luyendyk. C-Listsplosion! Lastly, the mag has a huge exposé on Breaking Amish star Jeremiah, who, on the show, acts like he’s never seen technology or been around cars. His ex-wife Naomi says: “We had both already left the Amish sect when we began dating in 2002, and I had to laugh when he claimed’s never owned a cell phone. He’s had one for as long as I’ve known him.” She also says he loves Guns N’roses and Eminem, frequents strip clubs and “was always known as the guy with the coolest cars.” (Fig. 7)
Grade: C (possible perjury )
Addendum
Fig. 1, Life & Style
Fig. 2, In Touch
Fig. 3, In Touch
Fig. 4,Us
Fig. 5, Us
Fig. 6, Star
Fig. 7, Star
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