Cosmo Latina Majorly Fails With 'Latin Style' 50 Shades of Grey Tips

For months, lazy publicists and writers have been riffing off 50 Shades of Grey mania by pitching everything and anything Grey related, from sex toys to ties to nail polish. Perhaps Cosmopolitan for Latinas‘ Ariel Nagi deserves props for managing to combine lazy with offensive in her post, “50 Shades of Grey Sex – Latin Style”

The bestseller will “make you wish your guy can play the Christian Grey role sometimes,” she writes, “so we took the phenomenon and added a Latin twist to it and offer the best tips on getting him to have 50 shades of hot sex with you!”

(Also, Nagi notes that author author E. L. James’s mother is Chilean. And that means a Latin twist is necessary why?)

You may be wondering what the difference is between Latin sex and sex sex. Does it involve shaking maracas and rolling your “r”s when you come? No, nothing that excitingly insensitive. Here are Nagi’s tips to “turn your hombre into Christiano Grey”:

Grey’s way: Bondage, doi.
The Latino way: Nagi advises you start off the night with Latin-inspired cocktails…and then she uses the words “correa” and “cuerpo” instead of “tie” and “body.” Seriously. That’s it! Does the correa have a feisty Latin print, at the very least?

Grey’s way: Anastasia listens to music while Christian whips her or whatever.
The Latino way: Play one of his favorite Latin songs, but without headphones, so he “can watch his mujer shake her cintura for him.” I’m starting to see a pattern, here. Or should I say, an evolución. (Note: it’s weird that all of the Spanish words are in italics. Who do they think is reading this magazine?)

Grey’s way: Spanking, obv.
The Latino way: Ask him to spank you…but call him “papi,” first. No comment.

Grey’s way: Dirty talk, natch.
The Latino way: “Keep it old school and leave him a post-it note prepping him for what’s to come later tonight,” Nagi advises. “Don’t get too sucia though, say something cute and witty like ‘pensando en ti’ or if you want to get just a little sexier tell him you’ll be thinking of his hot body all day.” Soo…don’t talk dirty.

In short, Latin sex involves Latin spices, Latin music, and the occasional “papi.” ¡Ay, caramba!