Your Abortion Probably Killed the Next Justin Bieber

Not many things are quite as tiresome as wide-eyed pro-lifers trying to blow our minds with thought experiments about what may have been had the selfish mother of some awesome person chosen to have an abortion rather than do the noble thing and give birth to their sex punishment. In the Bible, Jesus’s mother Mary is supposed to be like 15 and unmarried— what if The Lord were aborted?! (Of course the answer to that is “Nonsense; God wouldn’t make His son as abort-able as normal human babies, plus he’d make sure to impregnate a woman who would be down with carrying Baby God; otherwise, what a dumb plan for a supposedly omnipotent being.”) And we’ve seen Tim Tebow’s mom appear on a Super Bowl commercial recounting how her genuflecting football idiot savant son would’ve been aborted by a lesser lady. Now, Justin Bieber’s parents are forcing us to face the horrifying possibility that if Bieb’s mom had followed advice, Justin Bieber may never have existed.

The horrifying, and (I don’t think I’m being overdramatic here) Orwellian scenario was laid out during an appearance on Today, and reframed with the appropriate perspective by the always-reasonable website Townhall. In a piece called Mother of Teen Sensation Reveals How She Rejected Abortion, we can all follow along the near-Bieber-miss, hands reflexively over our mouths to stifle gasps.

Imagine life without everyone’s favorite tween sensation, Justin Bieber, causing pandemonium every time he steps on stage. Well, if his mom Pattie Mallette had listened to advice to abort her son when she was 17, there would be no such thing as ‘Bieber Fever.’

Best opening sentence ever. That’s some It’s A Wonderful Life shit. A world without Bieber Fever? Without Bieber Fever, how would we all know how to love? Would we be living in a shantytown called OneDirectionVille?

The piece goes on to explain how when she was 17, Justin Bieber’s mom was a troublemaking, drug and alcohol using, sex-having hellion, and she found herself pregnant and in a terrible position to raise a child. Despite the advice of naysayers, she chose to see her pregnancy through, and gave birth to the boy who would later go on to be her meal ticket.

The young mother knew she made the right decision upon seeing her baby boy for the first time. “I know this sounds crazy, but he sounded like he was singing. He did.”

Thanks to Mallette, today Justin can sing to millions of fans and inspire them as a living example of the sanctity of human life.

Which brings us to the stupidest of the anti-abortion arguments: the “what if your mom had been pro choice, hmm?” argument followed by the person posing the question sitting back, totally satisfied with their impenetrable logic. The reasoning goes that if our mothers had been pro choice, we never would have existed, and ghost fetus versions of ourselves would live in heaven, crying angel tears and watching our mothers go to night clubs and laugh while clutching long cigarette holders while wearing fur coats and enjoying their lives without The Baby That Should Have Been. Pro choice women, you see, can’t get enough of abortions. They’ll abort anything that moves. Their uteruses are filled with spines. Not true. My mom was pro-choice, so it’s cool to know that I exist because she wanted me.

Second, enough with this “I/you/my kid almost got aborted!” bullshit. It’s more annoying than people who claim that they were thinking of maybe taking a vacation right around when 9/11 happened, and if they had taken that vacation, they would totally have been on one of the World Trade Center planes. The very fact that any of us exist is due to such nutty circumstances that any change in any one of those circumstances could have prevented our births. What if Justin Bieber’s mom had gone to see Jurassic Park in theaters rather than have sex with Justin Bieber’s dad? Could Steven Spielberg have prevented the birth of Justin Bieber? And what if Justin Bieber’s dad had gotten into a fender bender on his way to impregnate Justin Bieber’s mom? What if he was so shaken up that he wasn’t in the mood for sex, and the two just played Parchesi instead? There are billions of theoretical children who were not born due to choices the parents made up to, and after their child’s conception. We all almost didn’t exist.

Bieber’s mom is currently hawking a book about how awesome she is to have given birth under difficult circumstances, and having it turn out wonderfully, perfectly well. But if we’re using Justin Bieber as an example of what happens when teen moms Choose Life, then let’s take a look at what may have happened had another unwed mother had the option to choose abortion: Eleanor Louise Cowell. Cowell’s son, Ted Bundy, would grow up to murder at least 35 women, although some experts surmise that there were many, many more. Theoretically, one of these women could have gone on to give birth to an even bigger, Biebier pop star than the one currently causing small tween riots around the world. And that’s a real tragedy.