Chick-fil-A Owners to Stop Funding Anti-Gay Groups, Will Still Be Keeping All That Bigot Protest Cash

Today, Chick-fil-A’s famously homophobic owners released a statement announcing that the fast food chain would no longer be donating money to anti-gay groups. Victory, right? We totally win, right?! Not really. Regardless of whether the Chick-fil-A brass are contributing to a camp that uses Jesus to turn homos into Ward Cleavers, neither pro-equality nor anti-gay groups are the winners in this chicken clucksterfuck — the winner is company COO Dan Cathy, an evil, diabolical business genius trying to play two sides of a culture war off each other and pocket the profits.

The restaurant’s sudden change of fried food engorged, disease-ridden heart came after just months ago, the chain’s CEO announced during an interview that he was “guilty as charged” to allegations that he found gay marriage icky. In response, the entire internet exploded, Facebook became a big civil rights slugfest, gay people went to Chick-fil-A with the express purpose of making out, and Mike Huckabee urged his listeners to show their “appreciation” for “free speech” (with dog whistle filter: “free exercise of being a hateful dick”) by dining in Chick-fil-A on Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. While the restaurant didn’t publicly comment on the event aside from remarking that they had set a “world record,” they gladly accepted the profits from the cross n’ flag toting Appreciators who sat in their SUV’s for hours awaiting their hate chicken.

Not everyone was totally into supporting a business that actively contributes to anti-gay hate groups, especially the mayor of Boston and one alderman in Chicago who moved to block the restaurant from opening any more locations in the city. After Chick-fil-A Appreciation day, the restaurant still needed people to eat chicken in order to make money. So it makes sense that when the anti-gay contributions began to interfere with plans for expansion and ensuing profit, they’d change their tune.

Don’t go to Chick-fil-A. Your homestyle waffle fries may no longer be seasoned with salt from gay kids’ tears, but it’s no less gross. Instead of supporting an anti-gay agenda, you’re sponsoring a manipulative, whorish agenda.