Olympic Medalist Shaun White Charged with Being a Violent Drunken Nightmare Person

Human gum-flavor Shaun White—you know, that tomato fellow who does the snow-skating?—reportedly pulled a fire alarm at his hotel Sunday night, got into a fist fight with a phone, then kicked a good Samaritan who attempted to impede his escape. He also gave himself a black eye by running into a fence. It was, as far as I can tell, entirely hilarious. (Except for the guy who got kicked. Sorry to that guy.)

According to the Metropolitan Nashville Police Department, the snowboarding icon is said to have pulled a fire alarm shortly before 2 a.m. Sunday at the Loews Vanderbilt Hotel, resulting in all of the guests being evacuated, and was then witnessed destroying a hotel phone.

…The man who wanted to call the cops later told police that he chased after White, who at some point turned around, ran into his pursuer and fell back against a fence, banging his head hard enough that he was then transported to a local hospital for treatment.

A rep for Mr. Tomato says he has no comment. He has been released from the hospital and is free on his own recognisauce. I mean recognizance. [E!]

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Modern Family‘s Eric Stonestreet—he’s the bigger one of the gay ones—would like you to know that he wasn’t kicked out of Saturday’s Dodgers game, he was escorted out.

“I did not get kicked out of the Dodgers game last night. Did I get escorted to the top of the stairs by security? Yes,” the 41-year-old actor wrote. “Yes I sure did.”

According to TMZ, Stonestreet got into a verbal altercation with a St. Louis Cardinals fan during the Dodgers game. Security stepped in and asked both Stonestreet and the Cardinals fan to leave.

Duly noted, Eric Stonestreet! I like you! [Us]

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I can’t tell you guys how much I wanted to title today’s Dirt Bag “Amanda Bynes Blah Blah Blah Car Crash Fart.” But I don’t think it would have gone over. Anyway, though, Amanda Bynes blah blah blah car crash fart:

First off, the actress did not check into rehab per some reports, nor are there plans for her to go to rehab, a source close to Bynes told E! News Monday.

…”No one knows what is going on with her,” the neighbor tells E! News. “Her house has become dilapidated. It used to be beautiful but she’s let it go to ruin. That’s even getting her into trouble, the homeowners’ association is very annoyed at her. It was a beautiful house and now it looks a state.”

Furthermore, Amanda Bynes Lindsay Lohan yap yap yap yap yap yap boo hoo zzzzzzzz:

Amanda Bynes is pissed that Lindsay Lohan is trashing her … TMZ has learned.

Amanda texted a friend this morning, “I HATE being compared to her.” Amanda says she’s never been arrested for drugs or chasing someone, like Lindsay. FYI … Amanda is facing criminal charges of driving under the influence.

Nonetheless, Bynes says she and Lindsay were never friends in the first place, and LiLo needs to focus on herself and leave her (Amanda) alone.

In conclusion, hork. [E!] [TMZ]

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• The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will find out tomorrow if their request to block further publication of the duchess’s topless photos has been successful. [Radar]
• Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise looked hella cute bopping around Tribeca. [JustJared]
• Roger Moore says he’s rogered more ladies’ vaginas than James Bond. To be fair, though, so have I. Because James Bond is NOT REAL AND THEREFORE HIS ROGERING COUNT REMAINS AT ZERO. [News.au]
• John Mayer and Andy Cohen enjoyed a pleasant afternoon constitutional. [JustJared]
• Reese Witherspoon is reportedly selling her $10 million Ojai, CA ranch. So…if you are interested in owning a ranch in convenient proximity to the annual Occidental College Glee Club retreat, GO NUTS. [ShowbizSpy]
• Tyra Banks would like you to know, for the zillionth time, that as a child she was bullied for being thin. It’s not that I don’t care that Tyra Banks was bullied for being thin, it’s just that she has literally talked about it on television every day for the past 27 years, so I’m not sure why this is a news story. That said, don’t bully people, people. [Radar]
• Oh no! John Ingle from GH has died! I will miss his cra-a-a-zy eyebrows. Condolences to all. [E!]
• Usher spoke out about his stepson Kile‘s death, saying he misses him and, despite rumors, was “absolutely” at the funeral: “It hurts me to hear people speculating that I wasn’t at the funeral. I absolutely was at the funeral. I was at the burial as well.” [Radar]
• NBC says it plans to bring in Usher and Shakira to replace Cee Lo and Xtina on the next season of The Voice. I feel nothing. [E!]
• Did you know that Ryan Reynolds‘s middle name is RODNEY??? Ryan Rodney Reynolds! Hahahaahahahaah!!!!!!!!!! You’re welcome, brain. Oh and also E! is trying to act like there’s some kind of scandalous cover-up going on because Rod-Man and Blake tha Snake didn’t file for their marriage license until a few days after their wedding. Like, okay. [E!]