Hooters Devises a Rather Pathetic Plan to Lure Wives Inside Its Restaurants

Hooters execs think they can convince women to accompany their husbands inside their breastaurants without altering the server’s “iconic uniforms” or the restaurant’s cheesy sexism.

How, you ask? Well, the Hooters bigwigs have a three-step plan, and we think they’ve also been reading The Secret, because it’s not a very well-thought-out strategy. Why would straight women ever want to non-ironically consume sub-par wings in a sad dark wood room surrounded by photos of girls in bikinis and the type of clientele that likes to eat sub-par wings in a sad dark wood room surrounded by photos of girls in bikinis? Here’s the plan, according to Bloomberg:

1. “Freshen up” the menu.

Hooters now offers fresh-not-frozen wings and hamburger patties. Um, congratulations? This announcement reminds me of the time my brother proudly told me that he learned how to make Trader Joe’s pizzas in the oven by himself. When he was 18.

The chain also introduced some new salads, complete with shrimp, spinach, and fresh herbs, and added some value to burgers (now with fries!) and wings. (Now with blue cheese!) (Wait, they didn’t come with blue cheese before? That’s despicable.)

2. Make Hooters a place to see and be seen, etc.

Apparently this is how:

On a recent weekday, a Hooters in Chicago’s Near North neighborhood was advertising “Buncha Lunches” for $5.99. A sign above the entrance said, “U Have The Draft, We Have The Fantasy.” Inside, multicolored Christmas lights were strung above the bar and a Leinenkugel canoe paddle hung front and center.

Stop everything. They have Leinenkugel canoe paddles? No way.

There’s more!

Bars often located at the back of Hooters facing the kitchen will be moved into the middle of the restaurant and circled with seating for late-night socializing. And Hooters is expanding beyond beer with new cocktails and more wines as some locations are now open until 2 a.m.

Awesome. Let’s return to my previous question: why would straight women ever want to non-ironically consume sub-par wings in a sad dark wood room surrounded by photos of girls in bikinis and the type of WASTED clientele that likes to eat sub-par wings in a sad dark wood room surrounded by photos of girls in bikinis?

3. Make it prettier. For the ladies.

Hooters is “adding amenities such as street-level patios and replacing some of the dark wood with more contemporary furnishings to evolve the beach shack vibe. One of the most important design elements will be larger windows so people outside can see in.”

So you can see the Leinenkugel canoe paddles and gobs of free blue cheese dip!

Here’s what Hooters won’t be doing: “putting wool sweaters on the Hooters girls.” Because that would go against everything Hooters — and maybe even America — stands for. Execs promise that the uniforms will stay skimpy, but “more contemporary fits and fabric may be in the works,” which the company CEO thinks will spark a “world debate.”

I am actually starting to feel sad for these men.

Why are they trying to appeal to us ladies, anyway? Because Hooters isn’t doing so well — sales have been down every year since 2007 — and, oh, there’s this gem of a quote: “Face it, females are 51 percent of the population,” said John Gordon, principal at Pacific Management Consulting Group in San Diego, told Bloomberg. “They’ve enjoyed more employment growth and you can’t ignore them.”

Hah, yes, FACE IT: women are here on the planet to stay! And most of us will not be enticed by your canoe paddles and “contemporary” crop tops. Sorry.