It's been less than 24 hours since Amy Poehler and Will Arnett announced their separation, leaving the entire internet to collapse in a teary heap. And why shouldn't we cry? This isn't Katy Perry and Russell Brand that we're talking about here (though that was also very, very sad) — it's our favorite celebrity couple, Amy and Will. Am-Bot and Will-Will. Your dream dinner guests. The couple that you — a relatively sane person — hold all of your own relationships up to for comparison.
Just the other day, in fact, I was sitting in bed, sadly eating out of a jar of salsa and ruminating on my own loneliness when I recalled the Amy Poehler WTF episode in which she describes meeting Will Arnett for the first time and thinking "Now that's a real man." "That's what I need," I thought to myself before spilling food all over my shirt. "I need a real man so that I can have a marriage like Amy and Will and go on to make beautiful redheaded babies."
Now, of course, I know that that is not possible. Sure, I can make beautiful redheaded babies if I try hard enough, but I will never know a love like Amy and Will's. Not even Amy and Will know a love like Amy and Will's. Love and hope are now but shadows, ghosts of what we once thought possible.
This is my first celebrity heartbreak (and you never get over your first), but we've all had them — Diana and Charles, KStew and R-Patz, Whitney and Bobby. These are the couples that we project ourselves onto and claim as our own even though we really have no right to (/sarcasm — we totally have a right to). It hurts — OH, GOD, HOW IT HURTS — and so far there has been no guide to how to get over it. Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters united in desperation, here is your 10 step guide to surviving the demise of your favorite celebrity couple.
1. Let yourself cry.
Let yourself cry. Let yourself cry loud wet tears and don't bother to keep it quiet. Does the mood strike while your waiting in line at the bank? Let it out. Does it mean that you have to interrupt a close friend's story of their own break up? Let it out! Are you at a funeral? LET IT OUT. And don't be afraid to tell people why you're crying either. Your emotions are real and legitimate so don't let anyone manipulate them to fit their reasoning. "Oh, Dawn's sad that her uncle Pete is dead. They were so close," they'll try to say. Don't let them. Tell them that you're crying because Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling broke up. "That was years ago," they'll say. What does that matter? The pain is still fresh. Tell them you envy Uncle Pete. At least, in heaven, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are probably still together. They might even host a Boggle night.
2. Love is dead.
I know, it's sad. You were really holding out for it — maybe you turned down a proposal or two because you were waiting for the real thing — but love is a lie. Look yourself in the mirror and say this outloud: "Love is dead. Love is dead. Love is dead. If [INSERT FAVORITE CELEBRITY COUPLE] can't make it, then no one can. Love is dead." Call Jerry. Tell him you want to give it another go. Oops, he's married to someone else now. Love is dead.
3. Don't be afraid to talk about the divorce like it's happening to someone you know personally.
"But the thing with Amy and Will is that they could make it if they talked it out more. I mean, I know that they both care about the kids and care about each other — it's just that they're both so busy that they've forgotten how to connect. What they need to do is go away together — take sometime off of work and hash it out. You know that they love each other. They just need a reminder of how much."
4. Don't be afraid to talk about the divorce like it's happening to you personally.
This is bringing up a lot of repressed feelings that I have about my own parents' divorce and I really wish that Amy and Will would have been sensitive to that.
5. Take time to feel your feelings.
As I rode the train to work this morning, I notice the unmistakable smell of body odor. This is not uncommon on mass transit, but this time, to my horror, I realized that it was emanating off of me. "I'M SORRY," I said to my fellow passengers. "I'M FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO SHOWER." "It's okay, girl," responded one woman. "We feel you." "Yeah," said a guy in a business suit. "We're sad, too. We're all dealing with this." Then, in a beautiful moment in which we all accepted collective sadness, the entire train car engaged in a cathartic group hug.
Will I shower this evening? Will I shower tomorrow? I don't know. Probably not, but that's okay. I've found my way of expressing my grief and you should, too.
6. Don't let anyone tell you that you're pathetic.
People will say this. They will tell you to get a life. Brush it off as haterade and celebrate what you are — a beautiful, artistic and emotional human being. Anyone — anyone — who says otherwise is a dried-up husk.
There are spells — ancient, brutal and dangerous witches' work — that can bring your favorite celebrity couple back together. But be wary and heed me, young conjurer — to give, Mother Gaia must also take. Do not attempt to reunite Fiona Apple and David Blaine unless you are prepared to break up Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams.
8. Write them a letter explaining why they should keep their love alive.
Everyone has a blind spot, even celebrities! Have you ever thought that it might help to point it out? Reach out on Twitter, send them a letter or, if you're lucky enough to see a famous person on the street, stop them and make your case. There's no one alive who doesn't appreciate thoughtful suggestions from a stranger, especially if that stranger assumes an abrasive familiarity and double-especially if it's regarding a very personal matter.
You've cried, you've attempted your spells, you've assaulted a celebrity on the street and yet your favoritest famous couple are still going their separate ways. Now, there is nothing left to do but move on as well. Do so by choosing a side — make t-shirts if you have to — and never forgiving the side you don't choose. Sure, you don't really know what happened and the couple's reps are saying that the divorce is amicable, but never let that interfere with your blind hatred/adoration. No matter what the people involved tell you, no matter how — realistically — people fall in and out of love all the time, trust your gut. Will did something to Amy and you will refuse to watch Arrested Development ever again.
10. You still have Jay-Z and Beyonce.
As long as this is true, we will all be okay. And once it's not? There is always mass suicide. Bring your own Nikes.