Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we play the gossip game with In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Tom is already looking for the next Mrs. Cruise; Katy Perry went on a dinner date with Robert Pattinson; and Prince Harry got a royal talking-to following his antics in Vegas.

"Her Family Destroyed"
Poor Jessica Simpson can't lose the baby-weight she's contractually obligated to lose, her fame might cause her father to get shanked if he is sentenced to jail time for his August 4th DUI, and her parents might be separating, causing her to lose faith in marriage. In other news, Teen Egg Donor Jenelle Evens is reportedly trying to turn her life around, except that she's got carried away and went the full 360, with more nude photos surfacing online, a rumored sex tape circulating and allegations that she stole her abused sister's money. Speaking of nude photos and allegations of theft: Lindsay Lohan will not be charged with stealing several expensive watches and other items from a Hollywood home earlier this month. Moving on to requisite Kimye news, Kanye just realized that Kim is mortal and not the "Perfect Bitch" he thought her to be. "He sees Kim for the sexy woman she is, but suddenly it's dawned on him that she's not going to stay hot forever," and he fears she'll end up a shrill, demanding old hag like her mother, Kris. Life's a [perfect] bitch, isn't it Kanye? In other relationship news, Taylor Swift is all but doodling "Taylor Kennedy" with hearts and happy faces on her Trapper Keeper, as she fantasizes about marrying and making babies with the baby-faced Connor Kennedy. Meanwhile, Taylor's ex John "The Player" Mayer is obsessed with winning Katy Perry back, and wants to show her that he's matured by planning a Halloween-themed double birthday party, complete with costumes. And finally, the mag offers fresh meat suggestions for the next season of the Bachelor, nominating Ryan Lochte, Prince Harry, Robert Pattinson and Henry Cavill.
Grade: D- (four-hour game of Monopoly Monotony)

Life & Style
"Pregnant Adele's Joy: Secret Wedding!"
Adele has made a career for herself by singing painfully candid songs about heartache and turmoil, so when she is spotted smiling, and with a "twinkle" in her eye, it becomes breaking mother-fucking news! Having kept her pregnancy a secret for six months, the mag suspects that the usually candid songstress is hiding happy wedding news, breaking the blood-pact she made with the public to share every facet of her life through song. Speaking of Brits and babies, Prince William and Princess Shinylocks will not be announcing the imminent arrival of a bundle of joy any time soon, as they have unofficially adopted Prince Harry, who, much like an infant, is often naked and drinking from a bottle in the middle of the night. Congrats, you guys! Moving on. One year after throwing herself a big party (and benevolently sharing it with Whatshisface Humphries) Kim K has had an epiphany and has become decidedly more down to earth. She now wears less make up, eats more ice cream and has gotten on a rollercoaster. Also down to earth, are Katie Holmes and Selena Gomez, slumming it like the rest of us by mixing bargain-price H&M, Gap, Zara, and ASOS frocks into their otherwise gilded wardrobes. And lastly, summer might be almost over, but it's never too late to compare your body to celebrity beach bods with "Best Beach Bodies at Every Age" (Fig. 1).
Grade: D (three-hour session of Old Maid)

In Touch
"Kourtney Finally Kicks Scott Out"
Kourtney Kardashian is about to relocate to Miami to start filming Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, and she and Scott "American Psycho" Disick will be sharking a building with Kim and Kanye and everyone else involved in the show, but Kourtney and Scott will be living in separate apartments. Which is pretty par for the course for them, no? They've always had separate bedrooms. Non-story. Also inside: Pregnant Adele is "out of hiding," and "looking like she could give birth at any moment, except not really. She looks like a normal pregnant lady. (Fig. 2) Next, Tom Cruise is already looking for the next Mrs. Cruise, according to a source. He has three months before he has to promote his next flick, so expect him to have a new woman in his life by Thanksgiving. Also, Xenu has made him some kind of emotionless droid? "If it weren't for Suri, he'd never think about Katie again." Ouch. In Royals news, the Queen is turning to Kate, Princess of Shinylocks, asking her to do some damage control following Prince Harry's naked hijinks. the Queen thinks Duchess Kate can "restore glamour and dignity to the monarchy." But isn't she just a commoner? Meanwhile, J. Lo's friends are begging her to dump Casper the Glory Hole Ghost. And last, but not least, "Even Picture Perfect Stars Get Cellulite, Too!" is supposed to make you feel better — what else are close-up shots of unsuspecting women's bikini-bottom-clad asses for?
Grade: D (two hours of Mousetrap)

"Inside Their Bizarre Worlds!"
Perhaps it's supposed to be shocking that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to be a boy, tried to use a public men's room and loves tarantulas, but kids are quirky! So what if she thinks it's cool to have a skinned knee? "She loves getting bloody," says a "source close to the family." We're not even vaguely appalled. Meanwhile, Suri Cruise loves her imaginary friends. Allegedly, Katie spent money on high-end furniture and had a designer decorate a room just for Suri's imaginary friends. But we're willing to bet that space is actually what is commonly called a playroom. And having a luxe one doesn't mean Suri is bizarre, it means her parents are rich. This report also claims that Suri loves credit cards and has one with her name on it that Katie lets her use to buy candy every week. Um… Hm. Okay. Not great, but not "bizarre." Let's move on. When Prince Harry got back to the palace after shaking his junk all over Vegas, Prince Charles was livid and gave Harry a lecture on dignity, "but Harry just grinned," according to a source who may or may not be a candlestick living in the castle. In other news, Did RHOBH's Adrienne Maloof buy five thousand Twitter followers? All signs point to yes. Kate Upton and One Direction's Harry Styles have been texting and talking on the phone, but have not met yet. When they do? Sexplosion. "Fabulous After 40" is not about how women over 40 are living great, full lives contributing to society but how certain celebs are thin and wear skimpy swimsuits. At least three of these women have breast implants. Fabulous! (Fig. 3) Last, but not least: Demi Moore is working on an "explosive tell-all memoir." She started it before her marriage ended, and has gone back to the project. "Everyone thinks she's sitting around feeling sorry for herself, but the truth is that she's been busy writing," says a "friend." Harper Collins allegedly paid $2 million for the rights to Demi's story, so there'd better be some meat and juice in there, and not just bones.
Grade C (one hour of Trouble with Pop-O-Matic die.)

"Wild Nights With Harry"
Have you heard? Prince Harry had an awesome time in Las Vegas. His friends wanted to play strip billiards — in the privacy of a VIP suite — and Harry was playing against a sweet young woman. He was only wearing swim trunks, so he was the first to get naked.

When she lost her clothes, "Harry tried to cover her up with his body. In the photos, he was trying to be a gentleman!"

Anyway, Harry has been trying to get his family to let him go back to Afghanistan. The royal elders' monocles cracked: it's too dangerous! But now, a source claims, "He'd definitely going. The royal family will want to redeem his image." Pretty sneaky, Henry. Also inside: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Tyra reveals that she hates chocolate, prefers twin beds to king-size, and smizes to herself in the mirror every night. It's official: Homegirl is a FREAK. (Fig. 4) Minka Kelly and Chris Evans are back together, yawn. Katy Perry went on a dinner date with Robert Pattinson at the Soho House in West Hollywood, and "they were flirting." An "insider" says they are bonding over how bad this year has been for both of them; after her marriage busted up, Katy was dumped by John Mayer VIA EMAIL. Way harsh, Tai. In Bachelorette news, Emily and Jef With One F are still faking the funk and acting like they like each other, but a source claims: "Emily even said, 'Jef's not Mormon, he's bore-mon.'" Finally: Holly Madison is knocked up, if you care; and Zooey Deschanel gives the mag hints about the upcoming season of New Girl: "Jess gets laid off, so you're going to see her trying different jobs — maybe some things that are a wrong fit and maybe some hilarity ensuing." Maybe? Surely! Is that rain?
Grade: C (six quick rounds of Perfection)


Figure 1, from Life & Style

Figure 2, from In Touch

Figure 3, from Star

Figure 4, from Star