Heidi Klum compiled a list of ten tips for imbibing cocktails for her AOL blog. And that's when the problems began.
Ten Things That Are Weird About Heidi Klum's List of "Ten Things Not to Do When You're Drinking Cocktails":
1. It only has eight items.
2. It is written in a bizarre, overly specific and yet talk-down-y way that seems to suggest Heidi thinks we are all literally four years old?
3. Exhibit A: actual advice from the list like, "Don't ask for a special rum in your Margarita. Why? Because Daiquiris are made with rum, Margaritas with tequila." OH SNAP.
4. Also, "Don't think whisky, whiskey, scotch, rye, bourbon are all the same - they're not!" How are those things different and what does it matter to your drink? You mean you don't already know? You won't learn from reading Heidi Klum's list.
5. Heidi endorses old European wives' tales, like having a tablespoon of oil before you start drinking to "stop the spirits from rushing to your head"). This strategy is fraught with risk because eating a tablespoon of olive oil will give you the shits.
6. "Don't have alcohol-free cocktails with raw egg white." Do you hear Heidi Klum? For the love of God and food-borne diseases, do not order that virgin Ramos Gin Fizz.
7. "Don't annoy the barkeeper with things like "last time I had a Jack and Coke cocktail in this other bar it was much better" - a) Jack and Coke is a long drink, not a cocktail. b) your drink order will now take a lot longer!" a) OH SNAP x2! b) Seriously. Like we are all four years old.
8. Another instruction from Heidi's list: "Don't choose a cocktail because you like the glass it's served in." Also, don't choose a cocktail just because you think the color is pretty!
List items 9 and 10 omitted in this edition.
One commenter observes,
This article was bull ****! I think the person who wrote this article should be taken out side and stoned to death. WHERE IS THE THING I SHOULD TAKE A SHOT OF BEFORE I DRINK!!!
AOL is beginning to suck.