The systematic destruction of Kevin McAllister rolls cruelly on: Everyone knows that the second most irrefutable fact of the world, immediately below "water is wet," is that there is almost nothing worse than receiving a concerned phone call from an ex, as well-intentioned as they may be. Raise to the tenth power when your ex is on a boat in Bali with Ashton Kutcher.

During Ashmi's romantic getaway, Mila Kunis gave her ex-boyfriend Macaulay Culkin a ring in the wake of the rumors that he was suffering from heroin addiction (and photos that seemed to verify the story). The two dated for eight years until Kunis ended it. "When [Kunis] final­ly heard Mac's voice, she burst into tears," said a source, who added that Kunis "poured out her heart" to Culkin and begged him to go to rehab. Culkin, however, played dumb, said he was fine and was also probably like, "How about you stop being an emotional Azkaban dementor by not calling me while you're in a floating fornication palace with Kelso because thinking about that makes me want to skip the heroin and just eat glass."

See, the simplest solution to this problem would be to sequester Culkin and Demi Moore in the Robert Pattinson Heartbreak Quarantine Facility (i.e. Reese Witherspoon's ranch) with a quart of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey and Antique Roadshow reruns.

[National Enquirer]

Since entertaining Client No. 9 four years ago, Ashley Dupre has found her New Jersey Fairytale Ending: she is engaged to a Garden State asphalt scion named TJ Earle, opened up a lingerie and swimwear shop called Femme by Ashley in Red Bank, and is currently seven months pregnant. Amazingly, this was all accomplished with neither a sponge bath from Richard Gere or the patented Prosty Sass of sidekick Laura San Giacomo. [Page Six]

Summit Entertainment figured that there was no better time to release new Breaking Dawn Part 2 photos that showcase Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson hanging all over each other in a field full of lilies, which will hereafter be the flowers you give a woman when you want to say "Awkward Timing Since You Grinded With A Married Dude Like 3 Weeks Ago." Click through to feel your feelings. [NYDN]


"I had the idea of climaxing and saying, 'Do you find this interesting?' That's a cool line." —R-Patz on his sex scene in Cosmopolis. [MTV News]

Everyone's boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch has provided a true Anglophile's dilemma in voicing his strong opinion of Downton Abbey:

We're remembering that there was a world before the First World War. We're living in a culture now that's revering, or having a nostalgia trip with, the beginning of the 1900s. Although Downton traded a lot on the sentiment in the last series... but we won't talk about that series because it was, in my opinion, fucking atrocious.


Gerard Depardieu, truly the Falstaff of our time, is in trouble again for assaulting a motorist after his scooter collided with the dude's car. [THR]

Rick Ross, Terry Richardson, no shirt, real diamonds. Do you find this interesting? [Terry's Diary]

  • Shia LaBeouf will be fucking people for real in Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac (there is a disclaimer at the top of the script that states as such, says the actor) and he's nervous about it. Can't wait to see this one with my parents! [MTV News]
  • "Anne Hathaway Can't Wait To Get Married And Have Babies," reads headline, *fart noise.* [Us Magazine]
  • Friend Salma Hayek is Halle Berry's secret weapon in getting to move to France. [Page Six]
  • The members of En Vogue are all suing each other. [Gigwise]
  • There's no rivalry between Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale, if you were wondering. [Digital Spy]
  • Leona Lewis will be collabing with Childish Gambino (a.k.a. Community's Donald Glover) on a jam. [NME]
  • Kelly Osbourne took a spill and hurt her ankle on the set of America's Got Talent. [E! Online]
  • "My fans are crazier than anyone else's fans. I've had girls make light-up signs with actual mechanics involved. Like it takes them three months to make that sign. Three months! That's a long time." —El Beeb0, in a new interview with Vibe Magazine. [Vibe]
  • Um? Ummm? A woman is suing William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman for $25,000 because she tripped and fell on their "dangerous, dirty" stairs. [Daily Mail]
  • Kelsey Grammer has intimated that his Emmy snub is due to his political leanings (Republican) and not his actual show Boss (a steaming pile of crap). [LA Times]
  • John Goodman will play a baddie in The Hangover. [Vulture]
  • New bikini photoshoot by Krim Krardashian. [Daily Mail]
  • "Tommy Lee stole my idea for drumming upside-down!" claims a Los Angeles roller coaster tycoon in what is probably one of the strangest lawsuits of our time, dirty stairs notwithstanding. [TMZ]
  • Roc Nation ingenue Rita Ora used to date Bruno Mars and is currently dating Rob Kardashian. [The Sun]
  • Patrick Schwarzenegger filmed an anti-bullying PSA for Lady Gaga's charity. [E! Online]
  • Jennifer Aniston ordered Justin Theroux to sign a prenup. [Gossip Cop]
  • For those of you who thought they wouldn't last the summer, Olivier Sarkozy is still toting Mary-Kate Olsen around in his pouch and spent $6.25 million on a fuckpad for them. [Page Six]
  • Kevin Jonas says that he communicates with wife Danielle better since their reality show began filming, because they're robots? [Access Hollywood]
  • Owen Wilson, about whom I am still concerned sometimes, played some late-night Ping Pong with strangers in Atlanta. [People]
  • The lovely Mayim Bialik is back at work after her car accident. [People]
  • Babies are idiots: "I found my daughter Honor sitting in her crib, eating these tiny beads from the inside of her diaper. They were all over her face. It was a moment of terror. I felt guilty afterward. I worried that I'd poisoned my daughter." —Jessica Alba (her daughter, 4, was fine). [Daily Mail]
  • Shiri Appleby, except her real name is Liz from Roswell, got engaged to a dude. Liz! [Us Weekly]
  • "David Beckham, with his widely exposed bulge well covered..." begins an item. Trust me when I say that the rest isn't notable. [Page Six]