(JK, no cupcakes.) Hey, do you have a bunch of spare babies cluttering up the den but you're not sure where the fuck they came from? Do you like DNA tests but hate buildings? Do you want to determine your child's future with the same ease and joie de vivre with which you would order a taco? Well has New York City got the mobile paternity testing van for you!
Sort of half talk show and half food truck (can we call this a tipping point, food truck people? Please?), the van is named "Who's Your Daddy" (OF COURSE), it's usually parked somewhere on the Lower East Side, and it offers paternity tests for $299 to $575. The proprietor, Jared Rosenthal—who looks (and I say this with utter affection and respect) like a composite of all Maury guests ever—offers patrons the option to receive their results either by mail or in person. He says his paternity test van is sometimes more like "heartbreak hotel" (Wait, it's ALSO A HOTEL?), but the casual, mobile aspect of it makes it accessible to some who might be intimidated by formal, antiseptic clinics.
The brown and white vehicle...is so eye-catching that some people flag it down like a taxi and ask to be tested.
"I had one woman get six kids DNA tested once," Rosenthal said.
"Something about the RV makes it more intimate and people open up. It makes it easier for them. "I get a lot of military requests [to test kids]. I think when they're away, they want the assurance."
While the name is a bit much (look, you guys—trying to make paternity tests light and wacky is like trying to make "Schindler's List on Ice"), Rosenthal seems to be a kind, genuine guy. Paternity tests are a horrid issue no matter which side of the test you're on—suspicious dad, ashamed mom, angry grandparents, confused child, awkward lab guy just trying to swab your cheek real quick. Nobody wins. Rosenthal told the New York Post, "It's just drama, a lot of drama. You see a man come in with a baby. You see them together and you just hope that he's the father...We try to be the anti-Maury," he said. "They just do that stuff so they can prey on the fighting."