New Dating Website Does Not Quite Deliver On Promise to Let You 'Create Your Own Christian Grey"

“When you close your eyes, can you easily picture your dream person down to the smallest details, including the exact shape and shade of their eyes or the style and color of their hair?” That is what new dating/paper doll website iDreamofU wants to know.

Here’s how it works: you answer a lot of incredibly nitpicky questions (Have you ever thought about your ideal facial structure? No? You have so much to learn!) and then the site tries to match you with someone in their database that fits your curated dreams. “Christian Grey is an iDreamofU Away!” the site promises. Obviously, I was intrigued.

I spent way too long tinkering with iDreamofU’s buggy system. The site asked about my ethnicity and then gave me an error message when I tried to create a dude who wasn’t Caucasian — which I am going to assume was a bug and not an anti-interracial dating PSA — and it took me a long time for a bunch of other boring reasons to create my own personal dating Frankenstein. You can check him out below. He looks like a bro/the fourth Jonas brother. (My research shows that it is as impossible to create a non-white guy as it is to construct a non-bro.) I shall call him Josh.

To create this AMAZING MAN, I had to pick my ideal facial structure, hairstyle, eye, nose and mouth shapes and sizes and then rank all of those attributes in order of importance. Then, I had to answer a bunch of stock questions about things that are important to me and the kind of woman I am/man I’m looking for. (Look at all of my choices! I picked “Soul of a Woman,” obv.)

And what did I get in exchange for all of my hard work, besides my “casually dressed” bro beau? A bunch of matches that looked nothing like him and had nothing to do with the options I selected. I said I wanted someone between 24-30 who lived near me, and iDreamofU gave me a 19-year-old kid who promised “I am not one of those Justin Bieber skateboard dudes.” (What does Justin have to do with skateboards? I don’t know what the teens are talking about!), some blondes (I SAID BROWN CURLY HAIR, OBVIOUSLY) and a 52-year-old with a koala avatar. My matches were spread all over the country.

Guys: I’m sorry to break it to you, but you might not find the love of your life via iDreamOfU. ::Sob::