Ryan Lochte Says He's Never Even Had a One Night Stand, Wins Gold in Backpedaling

Olympic swimmer and terribly attractive toolbag Ryan Lochte raised some eyebrows (and skirts) last week when his mother told the press that her son “only goes out on one night stands.” After the interview went viral, his mother urgently clarified, saying she meant “dates,” and then Lochte backstroked all the way to the other end of the pool in world record time, saying that not only does he only go on dates, he’s never had a one night stand in his life. ORLY?

Look, we all know that the Olympic village is a Caligula-style fuckfest. And if Ryan Lochte wants to have one night stands, he should go ahead and have them. But the only thing douchier than bragging about only having one night stands is being all, I’ve never even touched a boobie! I’m in final talks to be cast in the next season of The Virgin Diaries when this is probably the opposite of the truth. Free-flowing, no-strings attached pussy would be a difficult thing for someone like Ryan Lochte to avoid — although it’s a serious athletic event that requires immense strength, talent, and dedication, many viewers of the Olympics unfairly view swimming as a sort of underwater, high speed Magic Mike. Those tiny competition uniforms! That undulating! But there are other reasons that the “I’ve never even had a one night stand!” seems really, really suspicious, at best.

Exhibit A: Still lives in Gainesville, Florida, where he trains with his former college coach. Laments “the college dating scene” which we all know is code for “only going out on one night stands.” But not the way Ryan Lochte’s mom means it (“dating”), the way most people familiar with American slang mean it (“just for funsies doin’ it”).

Exhibit B: Told ESPN earlier this summer that the last Olympics, he had a girlfriend, which was a “big mistake.” And that he’s single now, so things should be good. In the same interview about plentiful sex in the Olympic village, he added, “Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.”

Exhibit C: This report, which should be taken with grain of salt, since it’s from The Daily Mail, discusses Team USA swimming’s extracurriculars this weekend in London (but there are pictures!),

Lochte was partying at The Last Lap at Chinawhite, where he was reportedly drinking £500 bottles of Patron Tequilla and magnums of Belvedere vodka and had a group of women hanging around him.

After making the most of drinks in the VIP area of the club, he was seen getting into a cab with his fellow teammate Cullen Jones. Two women followed the pair as the taxi driver looked shocked at the pile-up.

Patron bottle service at a night club. Of course you did, Lochte.

Anyway, I’m sure they all went home to the Olympic Village and read Ancient Greek poetry to each other afterward, in honor of the roots of the sacred Olympic spirit of competition and sportsmanship and chastity.

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