Youth! That cruel and elusive mistress who, no matter how hard we chase her, will always outrun us. We can pump ourselves full of injectables and have doctors pull our skin so tight that hippies will use our faces at drum circles, yet still, STILL, our bones are slowly crumbling to dust as we march along the steady and unforgiving road of time.
Of course, there are ways to distract yourself from the trudging and near-constant pull of gravity that drags your loose and weak skin towards the ground, but they are costly and invasive (life has always been cruelest to those who are poor, as well as those who don't like poison in their bodies). Until now, that is, when one woman named Kimberly Aschauer has invented a $25, non-surgical alternative to the facelift in which the skin around your forehead and eyes are held taught by tiny bungee cords.
The Facelift Bungee works by braiding two small, tight plaits right above your ears then connecting a small bungee cord, which wraps around the back of your head and hides under your hair, to the braids using fascinating combs. According to Aschauer, the product will take over 10 years off your face and causes no more pain then a tight ponytail. Drawbacks to the product include headband-headache, coke eyes and the acceptance that you face has been jerry-rigged with ropes and pulleys, almost as if you were treating it like the set of a tired old Vaudeville show that should have closed months ago.
Maybe it works. Maybe the Facelift Bungee will fool everyone into thinking that you are not a grown woman, but instead one of the girls from iCarly. But remember this as you disconnect the bungee from your head and your face tumbles back to its true and noble form: No matter how young you look, Death comes for us all.