Miss Maryland's Resignation From Sorority Was Literally the Hardest Decision She's Ever Made, You Guys

Sometimes a girl has to pick between two different, totally-not-bad-at-all things, and she has to make that decision at a point in her life when every tribulation leading up to that moment has basically been prom hair and pillow fights and shopping mall foot fatigue and Psych 101, but because her life hasn’t been hard, she ends up making a big deal out of it like she’s living inside O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi. Meet Miss Maryland Joanna Guy, a 20-year-old Cornell student who just recently had to give up being an officer in her sorority in order to fulfill the duties associated with being Miss Maryland. In a heartfelt, bizarre letter to her sisters, she explained just how the dangerous, tiara-littered ahead will look offered her condolences to the women who will surely be devastated by her absence, and went on for a really long time about how important it is to be in the running to be Miss America. It’s more important than that time Carrie had to choose between Aiden and Big and ended up choosing money. Anyway, here are some choice excerpts from Miss Maryland’s epic, humblebraggy letter about the long, lonely road of the sorority sister beauty queen.

The email went out to the sisters of Alpha Phi this morning, and it opened on a foreboding note,

I hope that you are all having a good summer with a lot of success and fun! I’m missing you all a lot so if anyone is in the Maryland area, please visit me in Baltimore. I am writing to inform you about something that I can only describe as very painful, and one of the hardest decisions I have ever been forced to make.

Pregnant with twins and had to abort one? Um, two cousins who needed a kidney but you could only give it to one of them? You’ve chosen to join a convent? You’re an undecided voter? WHAT?!

As some of you may know, I was recently fortunate enough to win the title of Miss Maryland 2012. Although this is a great honor, a huge opportunity, and much of the time quite fun, it is also a full time job and an immense responsibility. Unfortunately, the responsibilities of my job as Miss Maryland will prevent me from returning to campus this fall. I will participate in the Cornell in Washington program so that I can remain in the Maryland region to fulfill my duties. Thus, it is with reluctance that I inform you that I have to resign from my position as the Vice President of Membership Recruitment.

Oh god. It’s even worse than I thought. She’s not going to be in Ithaca, New York for several months. This is horrible. Someone fetch me my mourning pants. How will Alpha Phi possibly carry on? Why, Joanna, why?!?

In order for you to understand this, I hope that you can take a few minutes to understand exactly how serious this title is. I know that the word “pageant” evokes images of colorful gowns and extravagant parades, and brings to mind the silly antics of Miss Congeniality. While events during the actual pageant competition may justify some of these humorous stereotypes, few people realize what occurs after the winner attains the crown and sash. Contrary to popular perception, the new representative does not just “pack up and head home” after the pageant, occasionally picking up the phone to respond to festival appearance requests.

Guy goes on to further explain that she’s got bigger fish to fry now; Miss America is “the largest non-profit scholarship organization for women in the world,” and the state representatives are responsible for acting like worker ants for the distended, pulsating queen bee that is the Organization, scurrying around gathering pieces of rice and corporate sponsorships and taking pictures next to famous people and promoting their platform. Ideally, understanding the immense importance of this position will take a few minutes. Feel free to take them now. Or, you know, whenever you have a few free minutes to pencil in “think long and hard about the importance of Miss Maryland.” It is literally the queen of Maryland.

And there’s more.

Already, I have created a dedicated Miss Maryland website and Facebook page, e-mail and twitter accounts, and a contact list of more than 500 names to begin marketing myself and my message. Since winning the title I have been interviewed on television, on the radio, and by the press.

I hope that with a better understanding you all can possibly understand the reasoning behind why I have to stay in Maryland.

Thank goodness she has a plan to market herself in place during this difficult time.

Since being posted in full at The Ivy Gate, the letter has garnered one impassioned response,

Wow you are abolutely delusional! You can tell it’s sincere if you take the time to read her letter! Plus, she’s just explaining her resignation which is partly for HELPING SICK KIDS and FUNDRAISING. How can you make fun of that? Do you have a soul!?!?

A fair point; Miss Maryland/ Alpha Phi Vice President of Membership Recruitment emeritus Joanna Guy probably does want to make a difference in the world. But in the time it took to write that long, confusing letter, like 5 sick kids died.