Two mice fell into a bucket of cream. One of them panicked and drowned, but the other one kicked his little legs until he churned that cream into butter and walked out. And then Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced they were having a child, and the surviving mouse was like "What the fuck, didn't you just file a restraining order against him?"
The surviving mouse is correct: 28-year-old Major's pregnancy might actually be illegal, since she is allegedly in the third trimester and must have conceived while the couple was going back and forth with abuse allegations and restraining orders for months. The two also used the press for their bitter fighting.
Lohan alleged, "I was in the hospital with kidney stones and Kate just barged in! She's been taking ovulation tests trying to get pregnant from me." Major responded: "'I don't even want to give Michael Lohan any more energy. He is a sick, old man who I want NOTHING to do with. He is a liar and because I want nothing to do with him, he has been stalking me and I finally HAD to take action again." And take action she did, now carrying the child of a man who once tried to shove an eyeliner down her throat. Let's play a little game called Choose Your Choices!
It was revealed earlier this year that Adele's dad was a drunk and abandoned the family when she was three years old. He voiced his disappointment that Adele didn't call to tell him herself that she was pregnant: "I want more than anything to be part of her life again and to be a big part in my little grandson or granddaughter's life. Sure, I've done wrong and I should have been there for her throughout her childhood but I am desperate to make amends now. I am begging her to give me another chance."
Nothing like selling approximately a gajillion albums and generally establishing yourself as a force of nature and having a deadbeat dad ooze back over and poop feelings on you. But WHY NOW, Dad? [FemaleFirst.co.uk, The Sun]
THE NEW NO DOUBT SONG IS OUT! THE NEW NO DOUBT SONG IS OUT! 45 seconds of it, at least. The band posted the teaser on their Soundcloud account last night, and it's everything you wanted and more. Gwen Stefani remains High Priestess of the Summer Jam.
Katie Holmes enrolled Suri in an all-girls Catholic school, gonna wash that Scientology right out of her hair, et cetera. Also, Suri cried when Katie denied her a puppy (maybe because it wasn't Catholic), but then they both threw their matching hats in the air like Mary Tyler Moore because they are no longer being clutched in the talons of aliens. [NYDN, E! Online]
- Mariah Carey is too expensive for American Idol, says Nick Cannon. NO. Mimi should be SPREAD AMONGST ALL PEOPLE. [TMZ]
- Porn star ex-girlfriend Bree Olsen took it upon herself to inform us that Charlie Sheen tweets during sex. This would be 100x better if she meant he makes bird noises. [Winnipeg Free Press]
- Elton John is taking a hiatus from performing until his baby son starts school. [Monsters and Critics]
- Bruce Jenner, buzzkill, informs Kris Jenner that he is "worth more to [her] dead," and the Kardashians continue their dark, sinister morph into America's Sims. :DDDDDD? [HuffPo]
- One of the bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups in the embryonic boy band that is One Direction (specifically, Liam Payne) says that his fellow chocolate treat Harry Styles is "like Hitch" and will "die alone." In related news, the average human lifespan is now 20? [The Sun]
- Miley Cyrus is blonde. She's just being Miley! [E! Online]
- She also wants Liam Hemsworth to plant a child in her womb immediately. She's just being Miley/19 years old and somewhat shortsighted about the future! [US Magazine]
- Cast thy bread upon the waters, for Katy Perry and Russell Brand's divorce was finalized. IN 3D!! [Times Live]
- Spy Kids actress Alexa Vega is filing for divor—holy shit, Alexa Vega was married. [Chicago Sun-Times]
- Jodie Foster says that she feels like Kristen Stewart is her daughter, so Kristen Stewart must have broken into Jodie Foster's liquor cabinet, gotten caught, screamed "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!" and sulked over Thanksgivng dinner in her general direction. [Access Hollywood]
- Celeste Holm, 95, one of the stars of All About Eve, has passed away. [LA Times]
- "Right about now, we're on our final descent. Let's give a hand to our flight attendants for taking good care of us up here. And also we can't forget the pilots that's flying us. Also, just to let y'all know that I do have a restaurant, it's called Flavor Flav's House of Flavor." —Flavor Flav, who hijacked the plane intercom on a flight from Burbank to Vegas. He then led the crowd in a "Flaaaaavor Flaaaaav" chant. And then they churned that cream into butter, and they walked out. Amen. [E!]
- My friend Ashley saw Ryan Phillippe at Webster Hall, and he was "shorter than you'd think," and "didn't look that good, he looked like he straightened his hair."
- Michelle Obama stealth-crept into Porgy & Bess at the Richard Rogers Theatre in New York, took pictures with the cast and then stealth-crept away. [Page Six]
- And the Mobama/Yoncy lovefest continues as Beyonce reads aloud the letter she wrote to the First Lady. [People]
- Michelle Williams is having familytime with Jason Segel, her kid Matilda and the 17 puppets in an Escalade that Jason Segel doubtlessly has following him at a safe distance whenever he is near a woman. [Us Magazine]
- Glee's Dianna Agron encourages her houseguests to write on the walls, a good idea in theory but one that I'd imagine over time would start looking like you share a condo with the Son of Sam. [Express]
- 50 Cent stuck up for Frank Ocean. [MTV News]
- The Newsroom stars Kick Kennedy and Thomas Matthews are dating. [Page Six]
- Breaking Bad star Aaron Paul calls fiancee Lauren Parsekian "the greatest woman who ever existed." Yeah, Lauren Parsekian! Yeah, science! [People]
- The members of Duran Duran avoided sleeping with minors by including the age of consent for each state they were playing in on their tour sheet oh guhhhgghhhrrrh. [Page Six]
- A right wing French group is suing Madonna for projecting a swastika on her head at a concert. [CBS News]
- Kanye West is now following one person on Twitter. You have one guess. [Twitter]
- Sage Stallone's death is ruled a health emergency or tragic accident, post-autopsy. [NYDN]
- The search begins for Amelia Earheart, and right on time! [Newser]