Facebook Determined to Ruin the Last Fun Thing About Facebook: Stalking

Better go click through your ex boyfriend’s kind of weird-looking new girlfriend’s tagged photos now, while you still can. Facebook announced today that they’re going to start letting people know who has viewed certain items on the social network — technology that, for now, only impacts a limited area of the site, but could, in the future, make the beloved shametivity of Facebook stalking a thing of the past.

Starting yesterday, when you visit group pages on Facebook, you can see which group members have viewed each post. That means if you’re curious about what stupid jerks your ex best friend invited to his lame-o birthday gathering and you just happen to meander over to a group page organized around the fart party moron collective he’s assembled to celebrate his terrible birth, and you click on the dumb overly friendly notes that his horrible new friends who say YOLO left, if he invited you to his party, people will know you’ve been there. You Only Die of Embarrassment Once. YODEO.

So, to avoid leaving a potentially humiliating trail, just avoid e-stalking on group pages, right? Sure. Until Facebook unfurls the technology in other areas of the site. I’m not being alarmist! Look at that shit they did with timeline! The rule of awesomeness entropy states that everything that was once fun is doomed to become crappier and crappier until you can’t stand it!

In other Facebook’s Getting Terrible News (back in my day, it was called The Facebook and every wall post was an inside joke or a penis made of equals signs and parentheses, and status updates began with “is ——-ing!” Get off my lawn!), another new feature will plaster engagement and wedding announcements in the same area that currently features birthday announcements, enabling people you barely know to rub their stupid happiness in your single face.