Study of Bouncing Breasts Will Revolutionize Science

Now that physicists are done vibrating with excitement over the possible discovery of the Higgs boson, it’s time to move on to more important, boobies-related topics. Namely — what happens when a bunch of ladies with breasts of different sizes take their shirts off and run? Besides boners?

Dr. Joanna Scurr of the University of Portsmouth has made it her life’s work to develop the perfect sports bra, as she notes that breast pain and breast sag lead women to forego exercise, which decreases their quality of life. But in order to make the perfect sports bra, she’s had to spend middle school boy amounts of time studying breasts — how they move, why they move, and how to keep them in place without causing women discomfort.

Her latest study, “Predictors of Three-Dimensional Breast Kinematics during Bare-Breasted Running” was just published in Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise found, basically, that when you put a topless woman on a treadmill and have her run for awhile, the bigger her breasts, the more they’ll jiggle around. While this sounds very Department of No Shit, Scurr’s findings will help clothing manufacturers understand that larger sized sports bras must be made with larger amounts of support, lest big breasted women be left flopping uncomfortably. Science!