Woman Who Was Married to a Warehouse Now Engaged to a Neighborhood

A heartbroken woman wearing a wedding dress and clutching a brick stormed a Seattle City Council meeting on Monday to protest the redevelopment of a historical neighborhood. But don’t worry; it’s not what it looks like. She was wearing a wedding dress because she was about to get married, yes, but not to a human, to the neighborhood being discussed. And the brick wasn’t for smashing, it was all that remains of her former spouse, a warehouse that was torn down. See? A perfectly reasonable explanation.

Babylonia Aivaz married the warehouse earlier this year in a lovely outdoor ceremony. Tragically, that union ended when her wife (the building) was torn down. But hope springs eternal in the weird world of humans who say they’re in love with inanimate objects — the neighborhood of Yessler Terrace was there to pick Aivaz up from her heartbreak, and the two plan to wed on August 5th of this year.

But now, City Hall is mulling redeveloping Yessler Terrace, a move Aivaz fears will bring gentrification to the area. And, like thousands of misguided women before her, she decided to try to save something by marrying it.

City officials are shockingly unsympathetic to Aivaz’s cause; after barging into the City Council meeting like a deranged romcom bride, she was charged with criminal trespassing.

Aivaz is undeterred, though, insisting that her wedding to the neighborhood will go on as planned, and if anyone is confused by her actions, they should reread Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax. Further, according to KOMO,

When asked if she had armed herself with a brick, she explained that the brick was her wife.

“Oh no, that’s my spouse,” she said. “I got married to a building earlier this year.”

Aivez also told police that she didn’t need a mental evaluation.

“This officer says I need a mental evaluation or I need to go to jail becaue he doesn’t believe that (brick) is my spouse,” she said to the small crowd outside City Hall.

All of these things actually happened. Am I on drugs? Do I have a fever? Feel my forehead.