Conservative Male Politician to Offer Classes on How to Be a Proper Lady

Women of Brooklyn, are your manners feeling not-so-fresh? Well, state Senator Marty Golden may be just the douche you need to make sure you don’t leave a bad taste in the mouths of future potential employers who are looking for a lady who can walk and talk like how ladies are supposed to walk and talk. That’s right — Republican Marty Golden, out of the goodness of his heart, is offering women of his district the opportunity to learn how to be a proper lady. What better authority on ideal femininity than a politician best known for his virulent homophobia?

The state Senator’s website describes the workshop, called “The Polished Professional” as a way for women in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to “refresh Business Etiquette and Social Protocol Skills.” So what does Marty Golden think constitute business etiquette and social protocol? How to negotiate in a way that isn’t considered rude by Chinese business partners? Dealing with elderly relatives’ unsolicited and judgmental opinions about your decisions around motherhood? How to ask for a raise?

God, of course not. Marty Golden is your judgmental elderly relative who can’t shut up about how you should act, and it should come as no surprise that his etiquette classes promise to focus less on how to get shit done at work and more on how to walk properly, talk properly, and project a “feminine presence.” You know, important business skills like the kind you’d need in the first scene of a business porn, or if you were a mermaid who had been transformed and was trying to learn how to act like a human in order to impress Tom Hanks.

HANDSHAKES AND INTRODUCTIONS: the rules have changed. Correctly introduce self and others to: religious leaders, politicians, military and other socially prominent officials. Differences in American and Continental rules governing handshakes and introductions. The pros and cons of ‘mirroring’ during introductions. Handshakes as a business assessment tool….and much more.

POSTURE, DEPORTMENT, AND THE FEMININE PRESENCE: walking with books on the head are outdated. Women who walk from their power center. The art of feminine presence. Sit, stand and walk like a model. Walk up and down a stair elegantly……and much more.

What in the sashaying name of Jesus Catwalking Christ is this? Did someone in Japan transcribe the rantings of a person dying from a very high fever and then feed those rantings into Google Translate? Does Golden really believe that the only thing it takes to succeed in this crazy world of ours is a mind blowing handshake technique? Anyone else getting flashbacks of the executive realness scenes from Paris is Burning?

After City & State reported on the event’s weird “walk like a model” promise, that phrase magically disappeared from the description of Golden’s Let Me Show U How to Lady event on his website. But you can still see it in a cached version of the page. In the meantime, any ladies interested in joining femininity expert state Senator Marty Golden for a class on how ladies be acting like fools can head on down to Bay Ridge on July 24th. There will be wine and snacks and one deeply, deeply sad and confused man living vicariously through your two X chromosomes.

Update: Sorry, guys. Looks like the class has been cancelled. The mysteries of How To Lady will forever remain locked in the golden treasure chest of Marty Golden’s mind.