Alec Baldwin married 28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thompson in a New York City church today, and nothing was wrong unless you count the presence of Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn. Here’s hoping Baldwin’s new wife will lead him in a few sun salutations every morning to stop him from buying a one-way ticket to The Mel Gibson Old Man Ranting Express. Ireland Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Lorne Michaels, Mariska Hargitay, Allen and Previn, the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, and obviously Billy and Steven Baldwin.
Before the ceremony, Baldwin tweeted lines from an Emily Dickinson poem: “Was bridal e’er like this? A paradise, the host, And cherubim and seraphim The most familiar guest.” Dickinson’s ghost immediately tweeted him back like “@alecbaldwin lolololol u silly SNIFF MARISKA’S HAIR 4 ME :DDDDD” [Boston, Twitter]
- James Franco will have six featured columns in Playboy called Francophile. Its first installment concerns “space, energy and magic.” Otay. [Page Six
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were sleeping apart in the weeks before their divorce proceedings began, as two people who do not love each other are wont to do. [TMZ
- Jade Jagger gets married/satisfaction. [NY Post]
- Katy Perry used to not believe in gay marriage but now she realizes that all marriage is equally hopeless and dumb. [Pop Crush]
- Jenna Jameson is being sued by the rental company from whence she got the Maserati she crashed, because she won’t return it. Womp. [TMZ]
- Elton John speaks out against gay violence at a concert in Ukraine. [Reuters]
- Penelope Cruz is fucking psyyyyyyched to be a housewife. [Rte.ie]
- Mel C. had to defend Victoria Beckham, both formerly from ’90s hit British girl group The Spice Racks or whats-its-face from people who claimed she looked sullen and unhappy in photographs. Obviously they don’t know Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady. [NYDN]
- Expected: Britney Spears not listening to rap. Unexpected: Spears turns to rap expert Demi Lovato for advice. [Radar Online
- Then she put a red dress half-on. [US Magazine
- Ann Curry spent her last broadcast unable to look at Matt Lauer. That makes two of us. [Us Weekly
- Chris Brown has actually penned the Ballad Of The Great Bottle Fight Of 2012 that I have been making jokes in my Dirtbag about for weeks! It’s actually a remix of a song called “I Don’t Like,” and hurtful things are said about Drake (“Them eyebrows, man, them shits is yikes”) [Rolling Stone]
- Then he went and got a giant wolf tattooed on his neck. #themshitsisyikes [Bossip]
- Rihanna showed up to a gig in Sweden drunk and sad because her grandma had just died. Is it me, or is this Dirtbag uncommonly depressing? [Daily Mail]