Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we get emotional about gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Johnny Depp is sobbing into his fedora; Miley Cyrus isn't eating; and the editors of In Touch admit they were swindled by the mother of Teen Mom's Catelynn.

"It's Baby Time!"
Someday, years from now, when nothing gets thrown away and we've solved the plastic pollution problems and ecology crises, and everything that doesn't disintegrate is recycled and renewable, a child will ask, "Mommy, what is garbage?" and the mother will show that kid a copy of Ok! magazine.
Grade: F- (glazed-eyed numbness)

Life & Style
"Secret Calls to Brad"
Emily has "that sinking feeling" that she "picked the wrong guy," according to sources we don't trust. The mag asks, "Is Brad The One for Emily after all?" And the answer is: WHO CARES. Also inside: Jessica Simpson's "struggle" to lose the baby weight will be a favorite topic for the next year or so, so get ready to keep hearing about her pedometer and portion control and eggs being the ideal protein. Demi Moore is so upset that Ashton Kutcher is boning Mila Kunis that it's throwing off her recovery process, says a "friend." Lastly: 47-year-old Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is planning on having a baby, and she'll turn to acupuncture to make it happen, although a sidebar on this story reads, "It's Never Too Late to Have Kids." The ORLY owl's head just spontaneously combusted.
Grade: D- (deep depression)

In Touch
"Stabbed In The Heart"
Apparently, when the editors fell for a story about Catelynn being pregnant, they were being bamboozled by Catelynn's own mother. "My mom lied," Catelynn tells the mag. "I think it's because she has no money… so she's trying to sell her daughter." Basically, April Baltierra arranged for a family friend, Jamie, do to an interview about Catelynn's "pregnancy." Then April corroborated the story herself, and sent documentation from a doctor, claiming she'd gotten it from Catelynn. But the medical form was FAKED (see Fig. 1), and when the magazine called "Catelynn" to discuss the story, the woman on the phone was APRIL, according to an independent voice analysis by a private investigator. Catfish here! Get your catfish here! Anyway Catelynn says she will probably eventually have more kids, but first she wants to get married and travel to Paris "and stuff like that." Go girl. Although, we're curious: How much cash did April earn for hornswaggling In Toca? Also inside: "Plastic Surgery Regrets" features before and after pix of Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Megan Fox, and Rose McGowan (see Fig. 2a and 2b), teaching us all that, surprise, surprise, we looked better five years ago.
Grade: C+ (vein-poppingly angry)

"Johnny's Broken Heart"
Johnny Depp was spotted at West Hollywood's Sunset Tower Hotel recently, looking forlorn. "He sat at the bar, nursing his drink, listening to the piano player. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts." The only way this story could be more cinematic is if JD was the one playing the piano, but then, of course, we'd have a crisis on our hands, what with all of the exploded ladyparts littering the nation. Anyway: Johnny, a "former lothario," was living an idyllic life in France with Vanessa Paradis — strolling to the local cafe to sip espresso with the old folks — but VP was bored and restless and he started drinking a lot and then they'd fight and it became clear they were happiest when they were apart. Vanessa told Johnny she wanted out in 2010, but they agreed not to announce anything because they didn't want the kids' lives to be affected. But during the press tour for The Rum Diary Johnny and Amber Heard became smitten with each other and he spent sleepless nights on YouTube searching for scenes of her scampering through a sprinkler on a golf course in an old episode of Hidden Palms, or wait, that was me. Johnny is mourning the collapse of his family by spending time nestled between Amber's long-ass legs, and this too shall pass or something, though we don't know what will become of the family Chatueau, yacht, or 45-acre island in the Caribbean. Moving on! Roberto Martinez might be the next bachelor. Anna Paquin is expecting twins. Aaron Sorkin and Kristin "Charlotte" Davis are totes in love. J'Anthrax went on vacation and it was full of sun and sea and flat abs (See Fig. 3a and 3b). Finally, Emily from The Bachelorette is a diva who screams at producers, throws fits about hair and makeup, judges guys buy how much money they make, and really really really wants to be famous and get her own TV gig as a reporter or host. God bless America.
Grade: B (frowning in the mirror)

"Stars Without Makeup!"
In Touch did this about a month ago, and yeah, while it is better than "worst beach bodies," since it's not zooming in on cellulite, it's still kind of frustrating that women critiquing the faces of other women is what passes for "news." On the one hand, it's important to realize that we usually view stars spackled with makeup and airbrushed within an inch of their lives; seeing them without makeup reminds us that they're human beings. Incredibly rich, fairly symmetrical human beings. But on the other hand, this is a purely female on female exploit (no men are pictured in the cover story) and all I really got from it is that I probably should stop leaving the house without mascara. (See Fig. 4) Moving on! Liam Hemsworth is begging Miley Cyrus to eat more, since she exists on 500 calories a day and works out for 3 hours a day and is a pile of dust inside of some high-waisted jeans. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are trying to conceive again, so get ready for some more weird M names. Marilyn Manson and Avril Lavigne have been hooking up and Skyping and shaving one side of their head so they can be twinsies. Emily The Bachelorette has a "secret love" and he is none other than Chris Harrison, the host of the show. Their attraction started back when she was a contestant on The Bachelor, but they got closer when she broke up with Brad and he split with his wife. I don't watch The Bachelorette but I'd watch a mini-series in which a chick lures the host of a dating show away from his marriage, wouldn't you? Johnny Depp has not one but TWO other women in his life besides Vanessa Paradis: Amber Heard and Ruth Wilson, the love interest in Lone Ranger. She's a Brit who likes sailing and apparently they have become "well-acquainted." Finally, kudos to whomever wrote the headline "Alec Baldwin Is All The Rage!" That is some solid work. (see Fig. 5)
Grade: C (bawling into booze)


Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2a, from In Touch

Fig. 2b, from In Touch

Fig. 3a, from Us

Fig. 3b, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, from Star