These are tough times, friends. Jobs are scarce, gas is expensive, people are stealing cars with babies inside of them and then stealing the baby's earrings. It's like a scene from a novel written by zombie 2012 Charles Dickens.

A thief in Pennsylvania made off with an SUV yesterday as a woman unloaded her groceries. Unbeknownst to the thief, the SUV contained the woman's baby. But this was a new generation of thieves, an adaptive villain capable of changing his plans on a dime. And so the thief Grinched the infant before ditching the vehicle, removing her gold stubs. Hope he stored them in a safe place that will keep them from being damaged during their new baby jewelry-stealing owner's journey to the center of Hell.

I bet 30 Rock writers are upset that they didn't include this scenario in Tracy Jordan's hyperbolic soliloquy about his difficult upbringing.


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