On Nancy O'Dell's HGTV show Celebrities at Home last night, Paula Deen made an impassioned plea to the American public: "When you hear the name Paula Deen," she said. "I want you to think of the word 'hope.'" Well, good luck with that, Paula. But seriously, people, could we maybe stop being so gleeful about Paula Deen's diabetes? She's just a nice lady who's trying to make America some delicious biscuits. I'm sure your Lyme Disease is fucking hilarious. (Unrelated side note: Is anyone else still mad at Nancy O'Dell for getting Wendy Pepper grandfathered into the finale of Project Runway season 1? BECAUSE I AM.) [HuffPo]

Barbra Streisand hosted a $50k-per-head fundraiser for women's heart health at her Malibu compound, and took the opportunity to deliver an awesome feminist rant. "Even in scientific research, women are still treated as second-class citizens," she said, "and to me, that's just unacceptable." Bill Clinton backed her up, saying, "Our country has always believed in being not only a laboratory of democracy but a laboratory of science and advancement, and you can't do that with a straight face and leave women out." Go Babs. [Yahoo!]

A bunch of fucking stuff did and/or didn't happen to Lindsay Lohan this week. She crashed a car, she lied about it, she had some sexy pictures taken, she was revealed to be friends with a missing murder suspect, she signed up to make out with James Deen on film, and she took a suspicious nap. Congratulations to us all. [MTV] [ONTD] [Radar]

Chris Brown is Tweeting a bunch of super intelligent musings about his bar brawl: "@tmz y'all full of shit!!!! It's insane how your stories are not informative at all and far from fucking facts!" "It's really sad! All y'all in that office sit behind a desk and hide behind ur lives by trying to tarnish others! Good game!" "The media will always try to slam dunk!!! But I win my games with lay ups! Godbless! #knowyourfacts" "It upsets u that I'm not this hoodlum,enraged,young black man you wanna portray me as. They did it to Mike.. I can handle it! #imdone." No. No, please don't be done. Tell us more. For his part, Drake insists he had nothing to do with the fight—it was his friends. He doesn't specify who, but my money's on Spinner and Jay. Obv. [Twitter] [PerezHilton]

  • Here is a picture of what Kristen Wiig and Ben Stiller would look like if they were adorable old people in 1947. [Us]
  • Adam Carolla is in a fight with Wendy Williams. [PayAttentionTo]
  • Harvey Weinstradamus gazed into the future and foretold that Obama will win the election. "I think President Obama will win and once people realize Romney's politics for economics are the politics of the past," he explained. [HuffPo]
  • Paramount has bumped Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles reboot from 2013 to 2014. Cool but rude, Paramount. I thought you were a party dude. [Vulture]
  • Marianne Faithfull, 65, shocks everyone by being a human woman with a face and not existing on some sort of ageless interdemensional plane outside of time. How selfish of her. [Radar]
  • "Before, all my boyfriends were younger," Kim Kardashian tells Oprah Winfrey. "I always dated 5 years younger. Now I just love that I'm with someone that's a couple years older than me." Oh my god, talk more. Talk more about the stuff you think. [Us]
  • Some people named "Rob and Amber Mariano," who apparently met on something called a "Survivor," had sex and a baby came out. [Us]
  • Matt Lauer joins Twitter; fans mistakenly descend upon unsuspecting rando also named Matt Lauer. [DailyIntel]
  • Parks & Rec's Nick Offerman reveals what makes him cry, and it's adorable: "Mike Schur is such a master of making me cry," he says. "When he delivers me personal news like, 'You've got the job of Ron Swanson,' or when they handed me the script that had the Pyramid of Greatness in it—I read that scene and burst into tears because I can't believe I'm the lucky bastard on the receiving end of this writing." [Vulture]
  • Vanessa Hudgens and Rumer Willis both rummaged through the proverbial hair-do fridge and decided on "purple stuff." (IT'S FRIDAY AND I'M TIRED, OKAY?) [ONTD] [E!]
  • Stephen Baldwin wants to let us know that he's "disappointed" about losing his lawsuit against Kevin Costner, because maybe we were confused about what the word "lose" means. [E!]
  • Emma Watson says she's "staying away from blockbuster franchises for a while." [JustJared]
  • "GET THIS FUCKING BABY OUT OF ME!!!!" says Lisa Loeb (paraphrased for space). [People]