The oracle of truth known as Life & Style magazine is reporting that Kanye West told Kim Kardashian to hurry up and divorce Kris Humphries so that she's free to walk down the aisle for the third time. With Humphries dragging it out to get as much as possible from their pantomimed marriage, West told Kardashian to sign the check and be done with it so they can get hitched. "And as they grow closer, Kanye's desire to marry Kim — and hers to be married to him — keeps getting stronger," said a snitch. "Kanye wants to marry Kim, and he's telling her to expedite the divorce so they can start their future. Kanye's like, 'Just do whatever you need to do to make it go away.'" That ‘like' makes it especially believable. [L&S]
Maybe West can chip in now that a pair of Nikes he designed sold for $90,300 on eBay. [E!]

Sherri Shepherd called police after someone with the handle of DaClone Killer called for her rape on Twitter: "Somebody should drag u in a back alley and rape you." The actress herself is taking it okay and shot back: "@DaCloneKiller You think I should be raped in a back alley? Let's see if the police agree w you & I took a pic of your tweet...I'M FILING A POLICE REPORT. SO TELL ME NOW WHAT SHOULD BE DONE W ME." [E!]

Barack Obama knows how to play the game, inviting 25 actor types to breakfast and asking them to help his Young Americans for Obama campaign. Jessica Alba, Jared Leto, and Dianna Agron, among others, were only too happy to help – they did get a free breakfast. "Maybe the only man I truly get nervous around. Worth the early wake up call," wrote Agron. [E!]

Justin Long — aka Drew Barrymore's ex aka the Apple guy aka Justin Long – is officially knockin' boots with Kate Mara. The relationship is categorized as "very new" [read: that grey area between fucking and coupledom] and they were seen going out for a romantic old-timey stroll in the East Village. "She took him out for his birthday," said someone. [Us]

To steal the line that every lazy writer will be using with this story, Azealia Banks is mixing business with pleasure after she named her boyfriend Dave Holmes as her new manager after splitting with Troy Carter, who reps Lady Gaga. Though it sounds a little close for comfort, Holmes also reps little band that could Coldplay so she should be okay. [NYDN]

  • Noted shit nugget Justin Bieber has compared his track "Believe" to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." [Page Six]
  • Karl Lagerfeld is still obsessed with Pepsi Max and makes some slave follow him around with a bottle of the ever-so fancy soda on a silver tray. Those Pepsi Max enemas, which I'm 97 per cent sure he gives himself, can't be good for you. [Page Six]
  • Finally coming to her senses, Rihanna was giving spotted giving her dickbag ex Chris Brown stink-eye at a West Hollywood club. [Page Six]
  • It has the potential to be pretty fucking funny if it were produced by the team over at Funny or Die, but Jennifer Aniston's video parodying the intense tabloid interest in her life will be taken down a few pegs by the fact that it's a viral video for Smartwater. [Page Six]
  • Now she's all engaged and grownup-like, Miley Cyrus is planning a sexy new album. [NYDN]
  • The View avoided a Housewives rumble by giving Teresa Giudice her own segment. Dang! There ain't no rumble like a Housewives rumble. [NYDN]
  • Kathy Griffin takes her younger sex thing out for some beach air. [NYDN]
  • Celebrities! Pay your damn taxes! The latest to stiff Uncle Sam is Lauren Hill, who allegedly didn't pay taxes from 2005 to 2007 and now owes the government $1.8 million. She could go to jail. The IRS does not fuck around. [Guardian]
  • John Travolta has made his first public appearance since his many sex scandals, and surprised everyone by not having a dick in his mouth. [E!]
  • Ryan Murphy is selling off the Malibu house that Tween fans built. Perhaps not literally, but who knows? [E!]
  • Heads-up, Miley, Olivia Wilde said getting married at 19 stunted her growth. [Us]
  • Portia DeGeneres got a haircut that looks kinda similar to her wife Ellen's, according to People. [People]
  • While it's not funny that Kimberly Stewart and Benicio del Toro's daughter Delilah has Plagiocephaly and needs to wear cranial molding helmet, it is cute. [Radar]
  • James Franco gives Kristen Stewart's acting the thumbs up. Which is something, I guess. [LA Times]