I was too busy buying out all of the rope in Manhattan/banging my head against the wall to write about the New York Post's groundbreaking "Fifty Shades of Grey" story today. So I asked Anastasia and Christian, the stars of everyone's favorite over-hyped BDSM tome, to cover it instead. After all, Anastasia met Christian when she interviewed him for the college paper, so I knew she could handle it! And Christian's just good at everything. (Or is he baaaaad at everything??) Here's a transcription of their chat:
Anastasia: I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn Katie Baker for being too lazy to write anything more about this godforsaken book and subjecting me to this ordeal!
Christian: Anastasia, my darling. If you don't behave I'll have to punish you tonight! You are mine. Don't you dare disobey me. Etc.
Anastasia: Aargh! I mean, that's obviously what I want. (If you'll promise to love and respect me, just like Edward loves and respects Bella, at the same time.) But, according to the Post, it might be hard for us to find some rope — it's selling out all over the city!
Christian: But we're in Seattle, Anastasia. Why aren't you eating any of your food?
Antastasia: Aargh! You're so smart. I bet you already know that sex toy sales have spiked in the past few months! "It's like a juggernaut," says Babeland co-founder Claire Cavanah. "You'd be surprised to see how very ordinary these people are who are coming in. The book is just an explosion of permission for them to try something new in the bedroom."
Christian: I'd like to explode YOUR permission in the bedroom. Can you even imagine a time before you were under my control? Some women are even calling that time "B.F." (Before "Fifty") because, like you, their lives were dull and meaningless before they met Christian Grey.
Anastasia: Aargh! I'm moist.
Christian: Did you hear about Lidia Bonilla, the Brooklyn-based banking compliance consultant who is starting her own sex-toy accessories line thanks to the "Fifty" phenomenon? "It's changed my perspective," she said.
Anastasia: Can we talk some more about your mother and why you don't trust women?
Christian: No, Anastasia, you know that I don't like to open up to my subs — except [SPOILER!] maybe to you, one day. But we can discuss Brooks Brothers' "Eight Shades of Grey Ties" promotion! Men's necktie sales are up 23 percent in the last year overall. I rule. Too bad I'm fifty shades of fucked up.
Anastasia: Is there anything else to say about this fucking book?
Christian: No, not really. Let's go to the dungeon and rub baby oil on your ass, shall we?
Anastasia: Let's! Aargh aargh aargh.
Image via Jari Hindström /Shutterstock.