Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to digest gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are on the rocks; Kim and Kanye are moving in together; and Jessica Simpson has "already" lost 20 lbs. — though the tabloids are using vintage photos to prove it.

"Jessica's Amazing Weight Loss!"
Let's start with the cover. Jessica Simpson might have lost 20 lbs. already — since she had a human child pulled from her abdomen — but this is not a current photo. It's from September 2008, when Jess was on David Letterman. The editors at the mag had the production department change the color of the dress. Inside, the story called "New Mom, New Bod!" has side-by-side images of Jessica "so preggers" and "so thin." (See Fig. 1) But folks, please, do not be fooled: That "thin" image is from a Macy's event Jessica attended in September 2010. So much tomfoolery and deception, I could barely read the rest of the issue. If you're actually interested in current photos of Jessica, she's on the cover of People with her newborn daughter. Anyway, back to Ok!, which is clearly not okay: J. Lo is cutting off Casper's $10,000 a week allowance, but since she's producing a reality show centered around her 25-year-old dancing and choreographing boyfriend, she'll still be paying him. And only other thing of note in this issue is the story called "Pippa's Moving to Beverly Hills!" in which a "friend" claims: "She'd love to become a real Beverly Hills housewife!"
Grade: F (burning spicy shits)

Life & Style
"Super Slim Downs"
The story here claims that Kelly Clarkson has lost weight for love. A nutritionist who does not treat her guesstimates that Kelly's dropped 40 lbs., and says: "She literally went from fat to thin." Meanwhile, Khloe dropped 20 lbs in 20 days, allegedly. Also inside: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are moving in together — she's "quietly" put her house on the market while she and Yeezy shop for a rental. Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger probably won't get married; he says: "Neither of us is religious, and the picket fence isn't what we're aiming at. We're together for six years now, so for all intents and purposes, we are married." Wait, they give out picket fences at weddings? You learn something new every day. Next, the house that J'Anthrax has moved into is fucking gorgeous (see Fig. 2). Hopefully they're having sex on every surface. And in that tub! And THAT POOL. Ashton Kutcher cried while giving a speech at the Kabbalah Center, saying "I've made all these horrendous mistakes in the past year." Demi Moore was in the audience and "she looked frozen." Last, but not least, deep-wine lip color is back, So if you love and miss how washed out everybody looked in the '90s, you're in luck.
Grade: D- (pooping popcorn)

In Touch
"101 Stars Without Makeup"
Honestly, I like this so much better than "beach bodies" or "bikini bodies," because you get to see normal human skin, and what makeup can do, and who has good cheekbones, and so on. There are eight pages of photos of ladies without cosmetics — some of which you've probably seen before — and really, the lesson you learn is that mascara is a powerful weapon. (See Fig. 3) Also inside: Kim Zolciak wigless? Or with extensions? Does that get you excited? (See Fig. 4) Kanye West loves Kim Kardashian, but he doesn't like her meddlesome momager Kris Jenner: "he thinks her ideas are lame," says a source. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel will get married in Italy — specifically the Francis Ford Coppola-owned Palazzo Margherita in Bernalda, on the Amalfi Coast. Apparently JT and JB have vacationed there a lot and have beautiful black and white photos from their trips all over their home, so, you know, good times. Jennie Garth is dating Antonio Ballatore from HGTV. Gwen Stefani's weight has "plummeted." The Kendra Wilkinson headline reads, "I'm Scared To Have." Either some vital word is missing, or Kendra has gone all anxiety-Buddhist on us. Finally, Charlize Theron has always been beautiful, but does her 1997 nose look slightly different than the one she has now? (See Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (beet feces)

"How I Lost 30 Lbs."
Kelly Clarkson works out in a T-shirt that reads "NOT PHOTOSHOPPED." She trains five days a week and is on a portion-control diet and remains about 10 lbs away from her goal weight. She's working with her boyfriend's trainer, Nora James, and an "insider" says she's super duper happy, because she likes her body and her boyfriend and "she thought she'd be the fat girl who was alone forever." Also inside: Awesome Cameron Diaz drunk pic caption: "The visibly exhausted star looks as if she had actually delivered a baby." (See Fig. 6) This thing called "Who Said It Teresa or Alexis" is horrifying because of how fucking stupid these people are compared to how much money they are making. I mean really, if I were going to kill myself I would just leave this purple box as my suicide note. (See Fig. 7) Uh, let's see, what else? Kelly Osbourne is thisclose to getting engaged to NYC-based vegan chef Matthew Mosshart, who has long hair like her dad. And lastly, the love between Kim and Kanye is "the real deal." He waited for her to be single, he knows they're meant to be, she's making him a gentler person, hearts and flowers and rainbows and snuggling bunnies and chirping birds all around, etc.
Grade: C (asparagus pee)

"The End."
Hate the new logo, guys. Miss the pink outline. Anyway. Back in 2001, Scott "American Psycho" Disick's father, Jeffrey Disick, was arrested and charged with a felony count of grand larceny for stealing $3,000 from a Long Island bank. Also he and his wife had a bunch of liens and judgments filed against them and so on, causing the mag to ask, "LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON?" This "family shame" is the "secret" that could tear Kourtney and Scott apart "FOR GOOD!" So, you know, you've been warned. Also inside: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are having a "marriage crisis" and need to decide if they should try and keep it together for the kids or split up for good. Eva Mendes wants to have Ryan Gosling's baby, and we're all like, GET IN LINE, BITCH. Jennifer Love Hewitt has bought a boyfriend, since she is dating her Client List costar and trying to get him a raise. Emma Roberts and Chord Overstreet have broken up. And finally, Kalon from The Bachelorette is a big old liar: He has a girlfriend! Her name is Lauren and he told her he'd been hired as a producer for the show. Then he kind of admitted he was a contestant, but claimed he had to go, because his family wanted him to. Then he told her it was up to her: He'd only go if she said it was okay, and she kind of threw up her hands and said whatever, so now he is romancing Emily. Lauren, you made the right choice.
Grade: D (sesame seed stool)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from Us

Fig. 7 from Us