Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we check out the "beach blunders" from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Britney's new job might trigger another meltdown; Snooki is gonna start designing sunglasses for babies; and Jessica Simpson needs to lose almost 100 lbs. in six months.

"Take Me Back!"
Russell Brand has been bombarding Katy Perry with phone calls, texts and emails, pleading for a reconciliation. The mag informs us that Katy Perry is all nope, no thanks, I got that dude from Florence + The Machine now (even though we know that KP and Robert Ackroyd have broken up) and there's a sidebar called "He's Special," detailing how Katy and Rob bonded through music. And! A pullquote which reads, "Rob Makes Katy Happy Again." Snooze! They've broken up. Next: Jessica Simpson is "ready to be a bride." And wants to have a beach destination wedding. Finally, Kanye West wants to marry Kim Kardashian and keeps asking her, but she isn't officially divorced yet. Still, they joke about it, and have discussed not having a big wedding — just walking into City Hall and getting married without fanfare. YEAH RIGHT. Kim's whole deal is, if it's not on E!, it didn't even happen.
Grade: F (broken glass in the sand)

Life & Style
"Wedding Already!"
Frustrated novelists work at tabloids, and the first paragraph of this cover story is proof: "As baby Maxwell slept contentedly in her white crib, her adoring mother, Jessica Simpson, was shopping up a storm on Etsy." Jessica and Eric wanted to get married last year on 11/11/11 but when she found out she was pregnant, they put the ceremony on hold. So now they're aiming for 12/12/12. A sidebar blares, "SHE'S GOT SIX MONTHS TO LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT" and notes that she wants to weigh 130 by December. BTW, this issue taught me that if you like the curly Baroque Prada shades but don't want to spend $300, you can get a similar pair for five bucks. The only other vaguely interesting thing in this issue is the sheer massive scale of Ryan Seacrest's house, the house that Idol and The Kardashians built. (See Fig. 1) Sigh.
Grade: D- (cigarette butts in the sand)

In Touch
"It's A Boy!"
Snooki and Jionni did an interview and photoshoot with the mag, and the mag also had someone prepare a composite photo of what their still in-utero fetus will look like (See Fig. 2) Is one eye off-center? Anyway, Snooki is deliciously quotable, and here are some things she says about her unborn child:

  • "I thought it'd be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls."
  • "Our son will probably start wrestling very soon… He's going to be a jock."
  • "I hate maternity clothes. The word 'maternity' reminds me of old women, and I'm so young!"
  • "We want [the nursery] to have a baby safari theme." Babies on safari! Stalking elephants and guzzling like Hemingway!
  • "I'm going to make baby sunglasses."

Moving on! Jessica Simpson is planning her "dream wedding," but first: She has to lose weight! Only six months to go! She was 210 lbs. while pregnant and wants to be 130 when she goes down the aisle. And I swear to God this sentence is in print:

"Jessica would rather be an unwed mother than a fat bride," explains the insider.

Next: Did Emily The Bachelorette get implants? (See Fig. 3) Adam Levine's ex, model Anne V, is now bumping uglies with Jared Leto. "Curvy and Proud" is a not-terrible four-page "story" featuring women like Kim and Khloe, ScarJo, Cheryl Burke and Rihanna in bikinis. Finally, there's a 2-page story on Stalker Sarah, which is so last month.
Grade: D (dog poop in the sand)

"Hot Bodies 2012"
This is a very thick, photo-driven issue, and if you like pictures of pretty people looking pretty, then you'll be happy. 17 pages of fine physiques, and if you turn to page 95, you'll find a dazzling full-color shirt-open shot of Jesse Williams you can tear out and put in your locker. You're welcome! (See Fig. 4) There are also four pages of Kelly Rowland showing us her ab workout. Moving on! "Born The Same Year" is quite a revelation: Dakota and Courtney? Owen Wilson and Daniel Craig? (See Fig. 5) Kristen Stewart likes to change into heels right before she hits the red carpet, which is pretty smart. (See Fig. 6) Britney Spears might be taking on "too much, too soon" with this X Factor business. At the Fox upfronts last week, she was supposed to do a musical number with the kids from Glee — where they'd do a medley of Britney songs and then, surprise, she'd sing the last lyrics — but her team decided it was "too much" for her. Some worry the TV show will send her "back into meltdown territory" because she is extremely nervous and anxious, hard on herself, and not very confident. In addition, sometimes she is "loopy and not right," or "happy one minute and crying the next." Right now, her life is set up so that she never really has to leave the house; her hairdresser, spray-tanner and trainer visit her at home, and she has a chef so she never has to go out and shop or eat. And! She is lonely, and has no friends, and the day her X Factor gig was announced, her cuticles were bitten down and bloody. (See Fig. 7)
Grade: C (seaweed brushes your leg while you're treading water)

"55 Best & Worst Beach Bodies"
If it seems like we had a gawk-at-women-in-swimsuits issue of Star just last month, it's because we did. But Memorial Day and nice weather mean it's time, again, to deem people's flesh "SEXY! SKINNY! SCARY!" Actually, I think I am going to create a little orange sticker like the one on the cover and just walk around slapping it on people. SEXY! SKINNY! SCARY! Fun, right? Anyway, Olivia Munn is voted "best bod." The "You'll Never Guess" image on the cover is Beth Chapman, wife of Dog the Bounty Hunter, and her caption reads, "her boobs could double as floatation devices." The sunburned ass with the "guess who" is Lydia Bright from The Only Way Is Essex, because by "guess who" they mean "no one you know." The pink crotch with tan skin "guess who" is J-Woww — who is accompanied by the caption "cottage cheese, anyone?" There's tons of snark in here, including this gem: "Few actresses are as milky white as Anne [Hathaway] — which makes her as easy to spot in LA as a parking space." She's "Casper" on some kind of skin-o-meter. Also inside: Jennelle from Teen Mom might be pregnant. Jeremy Renner is "drunk with a vengeance," and during a recent meal at the Chateau Marmont he spilled a drink on his pants and kept saying, "my balls are wet." The KnifeStyles page is all about cup size, but it seems like 2 out of three are push-up devices. (See Fig. 8) Megan Fox's unborn fetus is of the female persuasion, and in the final story, we learn that Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy are on the verge of divorce: Both parties have visited attorneys and Bethenny has been seen in a New York restaurant's private dining area with her arms wrapped around her business partner, Matt Hesse.
Grade: F (carried away by riptide)


Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us

Fig. 5, from Us

Fig. 6, from Us

Fig. 7, from Us

Fig. 8, from Us

And just for kicks: