Each year, the giant red carpet of the Cannes Film Festival is the stage for some of the more interesting and risky fashions of international film stars and socialites. Predictably, actress Fan Bing Bing is the coolest girl there, but there were still plenty of (horrible) surprises.

You know, the whole beige lace thing has been done to death, but Fan Bing Bing gives it new life with a weird cape.

It's difficult to see here, but Fan Bing Bing's dress was intricately embroidered with a portrait of people and animals.

I've had it up to here with nude illusion, and by "here" I mean however short Eva Longoria is. That train does nothing for her height illusion.

Frida Pinto took a chance on this fluorescent yellow dress (that was maybe separates?) that just didn't pay off.

Frida Pinto's persona is too young and fresh for the Cassandra Peterson aesthetic, which is why she looks way better in the pink strapless gown.

I think it would've been really interesting—and actually more punk rock—to see Beth Ditto in a form-fitted, floor-sweeping, conventional gown, but her earrings and handbag here are cool.

This flow-y dress thing is like a signature look of Cannes: Diane Kruger and Bérénice Bejo.

Socialite Hofit Golan is essentially wearing a super expensive pool-side coverup.

With chandelier pieces and lace, Eva Herzigova's gown is basically a walking version of Teresa Giudice's dining room. All she's missing is an antipasto plate and Milania.

Eva Longoria's and Jessica Chastain's gowns are so simple that they look unfinished.

Hofit Golan's left boob is the star of her ensemble. Jane Fonda is hotter at 74 than I've ever been in my entire life. I don't get the love for Tilda Swinton's style. Pull your shoulders back, at least. You know? She's always looking like some villager from the future. Change it up once in a while and wear some fucking mascara and stop looking like you have telekinetic powers.

Phoebe Price must've had some crazy checked-baggage fees for all of her flowers.

This is what Russian reality TV stars look like, evidently.