Since the nation was introduced to the leathery face of Patricia Krentcil, the woman who was arrested for taking her 5-year-old to a tanning booth, we have been unable to stop talking about her frighteningly tan visage. And now Snooki, perhaps the world's foremost expert in over-tanning, has spoken out about the incident and given Krentcil a serious Jersey-style tongue-lashing. Mom-to-be Snooki told Extra, "That b***h is crazy, you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there." Well, apparently not everyone… Still, you know your tanning problem is serious if Snooki is calling you out on it. [Radar]

After approximately one gazillion years of being incredibly famous, Mick Jagger is finally going to host Saturday Night Live. He'll also, no surprise, double as the musical guest for the show's season finale on May 19th. He's played on SNL twice before, but this will be his first time doing the whole comedy thing. It's hard to know whether he will be totally brilliant or whether he'll just wander into sketches looking confused and muttering things in his British accent. Either way, it will be well worth watching. [AP]

FYI, guys, Anna Paquin is reminding us that just because she's married to a man and having his baby does not mean she's no longer a bisexual. She explains,

For me, it's not really an issue because I'm someone who believes being bisexual is actually a thing. It's not made up. It's not a . . . decision. It's not being greedy or numerous other ignorant things I've heard at this point. … For a bisexual, it's not about gender. That's not the deciding factor to who they're attracted to.

And that concludes today's lesson in celebrity sexuality. [Us]

You'll be happy to know that Jessica Simpson is doing well after giving birth to her daughter, Maxwell. "Jessica is doing great and really happy. She's feeling well and relieved the baby is healthy," says someone who is either in the know or an intern who's being forced to make up quotes. Either way, this "source," reports that "The baby is beautiful!" I'm sure that's true, but just once I'd love to hear a source say something like, "Eh, the baby's fine, I guess. She's a little wrinkled up and kind of blotchy." [Us]

Robert Pattinson has had a busy day. First off, he and his ladyfriend, Kristin Stewart, wrapped up the final reshoots on Twilight:Breaking Dawn Part 2. That means they are 100 percent over and out on the movies that made their love possible and also made them impossibly famous. But don't worry, RPatz isn't going to sit around doing nothing for the rest of his life (though he probably could if he wanted to). No, instead he's just signed on to play Eric Maddox, the soldier who led the capture of Saddam Hussein, in the movie Mission: Blacklist. That should be perfect for Pattinson since the role probably involves a lot of intense glaring. [E!, Us]

  • Beyonce has a cool necklace that says "Blue," in honor of her patented creation Blue Ivy™. Meanwhile, I cannot for the life of me figure out what she's holding in her hand in the picture, and it's driving me crazy. It kind of looks like a tiny frying pan, but that cannot possibly be right, can it? Update: The consensus is that she's holding sunglasses! Thank God the puzzle has been solved. [Beyonce]
  • Angelina Jolie has been named an honorary citizen of Sarajevo, and in a statement today she said she is, "proud to now be a part of such an extraordinary part of the world and fellow citizen to the people I deeply love and admire." What countries have you been given an honorary citizenship to today? [AP]
  • Padma Lakshmi shaved her daughter Krishna's head in keeping with a Hindu tradition. Cutting off the child's hair from birth symbolizes "freedom from the past and moving into the future." Not surprisingly, the two-year-old little lady looks very cute with or without hair. [Radar]
  • Gabriel Aubry is taking Halle Berry back to court in an effort to "substantially increase" the amount of child support she pays him. Best of luck with that one, dude. [Radar]
  • There is yet another picture of a pregnant Drew Barrymore. In this one she's with her handsome fiance Will Kopelman, and she really looks a lot like Susan Sarandon for some reason. Bizarre. [Us]
  • Today in X Factor hirings, it looks like, after a ton of false rumors and rumors of rumors, Demi Lovato is actually set to join the show. She's reportedly good to go and just has to sign some papers before it's official. [HuffPo]
  • Oh no. Chris Harrison, longtime host of The Bachelor, and his wife Gwen Jones are getting a divorce after 19 years of marriage. They have two young kids together. At least he's learned a lot about what NOT to do on dates by watching his own show, so he should be in good shape when he gets back out on the scene. [InTouch]
  • And today in Kardashian: Khloe says she's lost 20 pounds in 20 days, and it has saved her marriage—not so much the actual weight loss as the working out together with her hubby Lamar Odom and a trainer. Apparently all that quality time brought them back from the brink of divorce. Color us relieved. [Radar]
  • Wow, in this piece about Rachel Uchitel (aka former Tiger Woods mistress) posing for nearly nude photos while she's pregnant, TMZ uses two of the worst phrases I've heard in a long while: "G-String for Two" and "Baby's First Thong." Lalalalala, I can't heeaaaar you. [TMZ]
  • I love me some TLC programming, but the shows I just can't abide (besides anything with that loudmouth baker) are the tattoo shows. So I fail to understand why they would add yet another ink-themed show to their lineup. Still, they are doing it. They've signed Tattoo School, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The press release says the cast will "range from disabled military veterans to high school dropouts." Great. Hopefully someone will make a hilariously permanent typo, but otherwise no thank you. [HuffPo]
  • It feels like the June Carter Cash/Johnny Cash story is fairly well-worn material at this point, but apparently Lifetime wants to have another crack at it because they've just signed Jewel up to play June in The June Carter Cash Story. (Very clever title, btw.) The role of Johnny will be played by Matt Ross, who gives me the creeps every time I look at him because he was so convincingly scary as Alby in Big Love. [Deadline]
  • Oopsy boopsy. Kevin Federline is being sued by his former landlord for destroying a mansion and then skipping out without paying a bunch of rent. [TMZ]