Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to emote appropriately in reaction to gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Kim Kardashian is "having" a baby… someday; Johnny Depp is banging Greta from Hidden Palms; and Angelina Jolie hates the gargantuan gemstone Brad Pitt picked out for her.

"I'm Having a Baby!"
Misleading cover of the week. Kim Kardashian would LIKE to adopt a baby from Armenia, but has not done so yet. Still, that explains the Maury-esque "Kanye — not the father!" coverline. The story inside has a section called "She will give birth, too," in which we learn that one day, Kim will be pregnant (again, not now, so "having a baby" is basically a lie). A source says: "She wants to have a biological baby right after her adoption." Which is theoretical. So whatever. As for Kanye, he is "heavily involved in a foster-care program" and loves kids so maybe they will have a baby together. Let's move on. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston is pissed that Justin Theroux is still in touch with his ex, Heidi Bivens, who was his girlfriend for 14 years. Angelina is being "forced" to gain weight for her wedding. A source says she's "finally accepted" that she "looks too thin." Brad has turned to celebrity chef Jamie Oliver for some "meat-on-your-bone meals" because he "wants her looking like she did in the old days." Back when she had dyed black Morticia hair and a vial of blood around her neck? Finally: Jennifer Lopez is "madly" in love with Casper Smart, but he sees her as a "passport to the big time." A source claims, "he has no intention of staying with a woman who's already 42." Like JLo has one foot in the grave.
Grade: F ( :( )

Life & Style
"How I Got Thin Fast!"
Someone could write a thesis on the many levels of mind-fuckery going on in the coverlines, "Before: Sad and bloated. Now: Slim and overjoyed." This brainwashing is yours for only $2.99! The craziest part is that even though the headline reads, "I've Lost 20 Pounds in 20 Days!" Khloe herself doesn't say that she's lost 20 lbs. in 20 days. She says she's been working out a lot, and nutritional therapist named Elena Michaels says that it looks like Khloe has lost an estimated twenty pounds. Still, following this story, there's 2-page spread called "Lose 2 Sizes by Memorial Day" in which "lunch" is one cup of hummus or two slices of turkey wrapped in lettuce leaves. Next: Johnny Depp was seen boarding a private plane in Las Vegas, accompanied by Amber Heard, his costar in The Rum Diary. (See Fig. 1) A couple of years ago, Amber Heard announced that she's a lesbian, but this story is all about their "undeniable chemistry" and how she is bisexual but, when it comes to love, she is "totally open." Meanwhile, Johnny's baby mama Vanessa Paradis is "spending solo time" with the kids. I dunno guys, I love the Depp, I have since I was a wee teen, making him the longest of all my celebrity crushes, and we all know he's private and not technically married and so on, but the idea that he's possibly cheating on his French songbird gives me a sad. Moving on, Alexander Skarsgard is seeing three women: Charlize Theron, Rihanna, and "Italian skydiver Roberta Mancino." John Huctherson is dating Victorious star Ariana Grande. Taylor Swift either got a boob job or a Wonderbra. Lea Michele bought an adorable house in the Hollywood Hills, and her driveway is ugly but her pool area is charming. (See Fig. 2) Lastly: Snooki's wedding will be televised, have fog machines, the bride will walk own the aisle to house music, and animal prints and bright colors will be in effect. Am I getting old or does it sound migraine-inducing?
Grade: D- ( o_O )

In Touch
"Secret Wedding In Mexico"
Kourtney Kardashian will wed Scott "American Psycho" Disick at Joe Francis's estate near Puerta Vallarta. This will come as a shock to you, but the wedding will be televised. Apparently Kourtney and Scott signed a $1 million deal with E! to get married on TV, and they will also get engaged on TV, obvs, in an "orchestrated, well-publicized manner." Romantic! Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is "falling for Kanye's lies." The article doesn't specifically point out a statement Kanye West has made and explain how it is false; instead the editors just call him a "player who's been publicly accused of cheating" and a source says "he may be spoiling Kim and treating her like a princess, but he hasn't changed. It's all a lie!" Meaning what? That he doesn't like her? That he's a jerk? That life itself is a lie? It's really unclear why he's being called a liar. In Touch, Imma let you finish, but Kanye is pretty honest at all times! Remember when he tweeted that he hadn't bought a new car or piece of jewelry in years? Anyway, whatever, I just feel like defending him because this story is so dumb. As is the next one, "Angelina Hates The Ring." Ms. Jolie met with the foreign minister of Ecuador last week but didn't wear her whopper of an engagement ring. CUE THE OUTRAGE. As the mag points out, "everyone knows that engagement rings are meant to be worn always." Taking it off is basically like setting kittens on fire. You should be arrested, flogged and shunned. Anyway: We're meant to believe that because she didn't wear the $500,000 sparkler while meeting with someone whose country is recovering from a severe economic crisis, she dislikes the gem. A "friend" claims "she's never been enamored of white diamonds." Moving along! Jay-Z went out with a few buddies and had drinks, and when a woman walked by and smiled, he said, "What up, baby?" so naturally the headline of this story is "JAY-Z HITS ON A CLUB GIRL." There's a picture of him with champagne and a picture of Beyoncé looking sad, in case you don't get the point: He's evil. Just like Kanye's a liar. Page 46 asks, "Addicted To Plumping?" and highlights the lips of Kim, Lana, Megan and Lindsay and invites us to gawk. (See Fig. 3) Finally, the best story is "Saved By The Bell Invades Hollywood," in which Rihanna is Slater and Kanye is Screech. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D ( @_@ )

"Baby After Cancer."
Guiliana and Bill have gone "from Heartbreak to Hope" now that their embryo is inside of a surrogate/gestational carrier. "This baby is genetically 100% ours," says Bill. Also inside: Lady Gaga and hunky blue-eyed werewolf Taylor Kinney have broken up; she'll be touring nonstop next year and won't have time for him. Lindsay Lohan was "a mess" on the set of Glee, going to the toilet "every five seconds." An insider claims she was supposed to shoot for five days, but they changed the script so she could finish in two. Just wanted to get her out of there. Khloe and Lamar are taking a break from TV so they can focus on each other. And finally: the Beverly Hills 90210 feud is over — Kelly and Brenda have called a cease-fire. Send Shannen Doherty to Afghanistan!
Grade: D+ ( z_z )

"Brad Humiliates Angelina."
A long time ago, Brad was in love with someone else. This lady, Jill Schoelen, now 49 years old, is "speaking out" about the love they once shared. Apparently Brad wrote her poems and notes that said stuff like "I adore you. I will love you forever. I can't stop thinking about you. I don't feel complete without you next to me." They broke up in 1989 but somehow the editors at Star decided that these "love letters to another woman" paired with pictures of Angelina looking thin ("WASTING AWAY") would make a good story, so here we are. What else? Rosario Dawson's boobs are a mystery, and LeAnn Rimes is "back from bones." (See Fig. 5) 19-year-old Hunger Games star Josh Hutcherson is a "nonstop partyboy," getting drunk and hooking up with strangers. Taraji P. Henson and my new boyfriend Michael Ealy are dating, congrats. Zac Efron has wanted to hook up with Rihanna for years and thinks the time is finally right. Cee-Lo got arrested in 2001 after a fight with his wife in which he used a statue to smash the windows on her Jaguar. Khloe and Lamar are "over," because his career and life have "completely fallen apart since they hooked up," and they've been fighting for months. Lastly, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are also on the rocks — they've already separated (secretly) three times, and now the marriage "may be over for good." Sigh.
Grade: D- ( -_- )


Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from Star