Earlier today when the sun was shining and chirping birds were gathering the finest strands of spider silk and white rose blossoms with which to fashion a wedding gown fit for a woodland nymph, we were all about 86 percent sure that Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston were going to be married, most likely by the Minotaur in Crete.

As it turns out, nothing could be further from the truth. Not only wasn't Jennifer Aniston "scoping out" the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete as a wedding venue, the Minotaur isn't even a real creature. [NYDN, HuffPo]

Wasting no time on the first day of William Balfour's trial, prosecutors called as their first witness Jennifer Hudson, who explained how she and the rest of her family warned her sister Julia repeatedly that they did not like Balfour, did not like him one bit. "I told her over and over again," Hudson said, "not to marry him. We did not like how he treated her." Balfour is accused of killing Hudson's mother, brother, and 7-year-old nephew in October 2008 and has pleaded not guilty to all charges. [E!]

If you've been going blissfully about your days assuming that Lindsay Lohan was a lock to play Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, this news constitutes what people in the aviation racket call a "near miss." Producers confirmed today that LiLo will be playing at least half of the titular role. I say that she goes all out and plays Richard Burton too in a strained but admirable effort to establish herself as our generation's most versatile teleplay actress. [Us]

Before she entered rehab in 2010, Demi Lovato was up to her overburdened earlobes in booze and drugs, which sycophantic young promoters would gleefully give to her. The singer told the UK's Fabulous magazine in a recent interview that, for at least part of her extended bender, she really thought she was among friends: "Promoters gave me drugs and alcohol in restaurants or clubs. They wanted me to come back so I would be seen there. They were basically kissing my ass. I thought they were my friends. I thought I was having fun." [Us]

Noah Wyle was arrested today in Washington D.C. for practicing medicine without a license in someone's basement. That's actually not true, but think about how crazy it would be if one of the former ER cast members straight-up just started believing he or she was a doctor. Wyle did get nabbed, though, for what was sort of a medical reason — he and 100 non-famous members of the group ADAPT were arrested during a protest on Capitol Hill. The group had handcuffed themselves to the rotunda in the Cannon House Office Building in an effort to convince Congress not to cut Medicaid. [CBS]

  • Somebody praised Robert Pattinson's acting, and that somebody was none other than Dead Ringers director David Cronenberg, who's been helping Pattinson sink his teeth (because vampires, with the teeth and the biting) into a heady dramatic role as the lead in Cosmopolis. [E!]
  • Doctors aren't just pleased with Robin Gibb's unexpected recovery — they're downright "confounded." [CNN]
  • Guns N' Roses drummer Steven Adler is "done with" inconsiderate bandmate Axl Rose, whose self-centeredness seems to have the complete opposite effect of our Sun's. [CNN]
  • A surveillance video has contradicted Lane Garrison's claim that he did not hit his girlfriend, Ashley Mattingly. [TMZ]
  • Dick Clark's death certificate will tell you all about the many ailments he suffered from right up until his death, including the acute urinary retention he had surgery for on the 17th. If Sam the Lion were here, he'd say something about how much getting old sucks. [TMZ]
  • Under strict doctor's orders, Sinead O'Connor will cancel her 2012 tour due to her bipolar disorder. [AP]
  • Pictures from the Pitt-Jolie family jaunt to the Galapagos Islands don't reveal that celebrities are in fact given special tortoise-polo privileges. They do, however, show Angelina twirling a pink parasol with all the finesse and dignity of a landed aristocrat. [Popsugar]