Following a fight with one of her fan sites, which leaked music from her new album, Nicki Minaj deactivated her Twitter account and has remained web-silent for five terrible, terrible days. "Like seriously," she wrote before her disappearance, "it's but so much a person can take. Good fucking bye."
But Nicki didn't act alone! Turns out, she told Graham Norton (!?), quitting Twitter was just another directive in a long line of stuff-the-voices-in-her-head-told-her-to-do, including but not limited to: dress like an alien from Planet Candy Corn, show everyone your butt and call it feminism, and BUY MORE WIGS! MORE WIGS! MOOORE WIIIIGS!!! "A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did," Minaj explained. "I had 11 million followers and I hope they will wait for me."

Apparently Bring it On star Eliza Dushku was raised "very Mormon" and grew up nursing a childhood crush on Mitt Romney (he was her bishop!!!). "I named my Ken dolls 'Mitt,'" she admits, but the crush—along with Dushku's loyalty to the Mormon church—has since faded, because "what they stand for I don't find to be tolerant or just." [NYMag]

In her noble struggle to just be left alone by the gossip hounds, Rihanna goes on a great big lesbian date with a female woman (i.e. she ate dinner near another person) and then opines about it on Twitter: "Beautiful is great, submissive is even better. Bawse bitch who's submissive yet the captain of the ship n HONEST…#priceless #marryME." [celebdirtylaundry]

Explaining that New York just felt "a little rough," Jennifer Aniston has sold her two West Village condos to a mystery buyer for $6.5 million (a $500,000 loss—which is approximately $17.50 in Aniston-bucks). After bidding New York a fond "smell you later," Aniston and Justin Theroux plan to settle permanently in Bel Air. [People]

Justin Bieber's manager—an adult human named Scooter—furiously denies that Justin Bieber will soon take Selena Gomez as his childbride. "It's complete bullshit!!!" says Scooter [exclamation points mine, because I do what I want]. However, the teens' relationship is still going strong, which means that they obviously should totally get totally married in the near future because that is in no way a really, really dumb idea. [MTV]

  • Antonio Banderas spends $10,000 on a fake beard. (Apparently nobody told him that he already has a 100% free beard factory called his FACE.) [Express]
  • Dick Clark's rep reveals that the very, very old teenager will be cremated and his ashes scattered in the Pacific Ocean. [E!]
  • BeeGee Robin Gibb is still in a coma; brother Barry Gibb sings by his bedside. [E!]
  • Our adorable celebrity president, Barack Obama, to appear on Jimmy Fallon. [Us]
  • Cher, hilariously, plans to sell the key to the city of Adelaide on eBay, infuriating the Lord Mayor!!! []
  • Taylor Swift might play Joni Mitchell in a movie, and people are all mad for some reason. [ONTD]
  • Kylie Minogue hires a car to drive her 250 feet. [Sun]
  • The always tactful Dr. Phil uses his giant doctor brain to label PTSD-having veterans "monsters" and "damaged goods" on national television. [ONTD]
  • Jennie Garth tells Ellen DeGeneres that divorce is not that awesome. [E!]
  • "Pac's not really dead," declares Suge Knight, Lord Mayor of the Underworld. [TMZ]